Blogawards 2011. Lookie here people…

People people people, I am in a situation.

I am so.. nervous. So.. Um.. I am there for the Blog awards 2011 (Pakistan) and this sounds so funny when I have to ask people for VOTES. so there. I am doing so, I will really really really appreciate if you dash and give me a vote, and help me win The Best Literature Blog Award.

Click on the badge or on this link:

http://pakistanblogawards.com/2011/11/14/literature-blog-haibar-zair/

And off you go.. the worst part is my picture and I so hope you ignore the blurry slur…

Yeah, I am busting and you want me to add a title


You see I am just staring. Just staring at the screen. Pausing after typing every second word. Fighting off all that is boiling to just burst its way out of me. Biting back my tongue and breathing deep, just enough to evade an anger attack. I have said this before. Don’t piss me don’t offend me. You have no idea what anger does to me.

And yes, again it is thrashing its way through me threatening to blow my arms away. I hate this pain. I hate every stupid single thing at the moment. This is not the cheery understanding or the good me. This is the part of me that exists only to destroy me. And frankly and so ironically speaking, I let it

I don’t need stupid old speeches. Let me be in my situation I will get over it. I have made all those rants. I know it all. If not much, that enough to crawl into the darkness and curl into a pathetic ball while you live a life in which I don’t exist. I want to kill you with my bare hands.. I really want to kill someone.

Well, sounds so brutal but hell I am not one bit like that. My friend says any of these days I’ll snap into a werewolf (my furry little problem). Phuff

If you don’t want me around.. I will never poke in your life and try being a part of it. Just trust me that one bit. And drop that small penknife you have in your hands. I have been bruised by bigger tools.. Leave the small patches left in my heart. It does you no harm by beating that faintly. You can’t even hear it Sir.

Ene ende abeba negn

Nice guys finish last that’s why I’ll treat you like- (click it)

Ahoy there!

The biggest problem with me and my writing is the word ‘Mood’ I’ll have plenty of drafts saved during bad-days but no, I cannot post them until the mood the feelings rekindle and come back.

At the moment? This is the fourth try. I am happy so why shall I put up the balderdash thoughts and stories from low hours? That’s right. Happiness isn’t worth anything until spread, multiplied and absorbed by hearts numbering way more than one. And that too mine. Wait a minute did you get what I just wrote? Good luck warriors =D

I wanna scream the lyrics from the song stuck in me mind twentieth time past four months. Yes that’s right. I never knew all that. Really. (Precaution: Severe lack of modesty ahead) Literally forgot that I was such a lovely person. Until my friend Muki told me. Forgot that I was a great person until my best friend Anne told me so “Man Haibar, you are such a great person”

I hate compliments. Despise them. They make the atmosphere so ooey gooey and so sugary and make me cringe. But alright.. Sometimes when the people I really care about and the people I CONSIDER say something like that I flip and flop and become so pop and just so totally flop. You give me happiness and love. I will return that multiplied a manifold. I know this post is completely pointless. I don’t care. I am a purple daffodil, and guys.. it doesn’t exist.

I have this time. And I am gonna say all I want to say and no traitor or liar or hypocrite or backstabber can stop me from saying anything I so truly wanna say. I don’t think about myself. My thoughts, feelings and memories are adorned with the people I love and people I CONSIDER. Sometimes the vibrations gather in my body. I pick them up from places arbitrary. And I pile them up in me. Sometimes they are bad. Sometimes they are good. They pile in me and one day BAM I go off. Happy or so brutally broken. Emotions are always extreme. My soul and heart are two ends of my existence

At the moment my heart is a big bubble. Filled with bright light. And light, as Plato says, is the Shadow of God. I am a humming-bird at the moment. I am a paper boat. I am a person who is so absolutely saturated with happiness and whose cheeks are flushed. Bringing pink into a face that’ll fast go pale and yellow.

I don’t care if I die now. I don’t. Really. I am happy at the people I have in my life. I am happy I met them all. Things will go on. The thing about hearts is that they change. My sister used to say that change is the only permanent thing in nature. Ways will part. They always have. They always will. We all will have some kind of life. I hope I be happy in my mine. I pray you be in yours =)

But you only date bad guys so I’ll give it my best try (click it)

(Title stolen from a friend) Translation: “I am like Flower”

Well I do sketch, at times

I think it is time to relate few stories or time I am spending at my Uncle’s and around. Feel good. Feel great

I have been drawing and sketching a lot. And a lot means a lot. Drawing all sorts of mythical creatures.. Phoenix, dragons, Unicorns blah blah blah. Feel so good. And when I draw my little buddies come around me and I love when they go all like, what’s this Sis? Sis will you make one for me? I’ll put in my room! Oh gosh I love my cousins

So.. You won’t mind if I show ya some will ya?

Then I made

Uh then

Last but not the least

Used a black pointer.

That’s it for my connection folks!!!! See ya around!!

A bubble went pop..

At last I got a moment for myself, cousins working on their tests. Mom and the rest out for dinner and I with a borrowed usb.

I was jumping, bobbing up and down on my heels. A long travel tale already formulated in my mind. Buzzed my pc start, hit the e-mails. One glance, there pops my bubble

Who misses me? None

My inbox was flowing with all sorts of mails and notifications. They don’t matter. So what if some so and so commented on some so and so I wrote some while ago. Not even one stinking mail from a friend. Not even Stance. No one. I think it’s time I restrict my care and my.. what shall I say.. devotion?

I.. think of my friends all the time. ALL the time.. and honestly speaking if I care for you.. I will and so completely will show. If a friend goes on with you, you don’t turn your back because you are bored or uncertain of your feelings, it’s a friend, my folks. And it is just a friend required

Everything just.. pops. As if I was unaware of a hole and my enthusiasm just leaked through it, I oblivious to the fact sat there. In front of this rectangular screen, feeling utterly and thoroughly defeated. All that happiness I felt today all that energy to tell my friends all the story about the hills the mountains the tiring journey and the most handsome people I saw.. All lost. All gone. Maybe someday when I get the spark of joy from somewhere.. I’ll reconstruct the scenario.

The best line of the journey that came into my mind while hearing Time of Your Life on the bus was “What can be better than slumping on a comfy seat, listening to your favourite music and talking to your best friend in the world?” Nothing my folks. Maybe nothing…

Just as I bid my pc sleep, I remembered few lines from a book and sighed. My friends love me because of what I am.. I have to learn to love them as what they are. Not what I want them to be. I can’t expect the world to run my way.. I never do.. The exceptions.. ouch they have always hurt

It’s just. Huh. I have nothing to say. Just I’ll retire to my bed and rethink how I act. It might be another week till I get a decent connection. With the feeling I encountered today.. I don’t care even if it take months…

And I do have a distant friend

I have said a lot about wind, talked ample about her. Every thing I create, everything I feel, There has to be wind. There has to be something having even the remote relationship to her. To My friend who whispers through it

And I am back again, to pursue the topic. I get up early the other day, go upstairs to unlock the doors. Instead I open and step onto the roof of a house my dad grew up in. It is so cool, so much better than the sweltering suffocation downstairs. I just step out and shrug my shoulders. It feels cold, dressed up in the worn out clothes I am. Who cares

I look around, making sure nobody is up on their rooftop. I sit, so nicely shielded, on a raised step. I think about nothing. Nothing at all. All the crap I will be going through all that has been happening blah blah part of life so what. My eyes are wide, twice their ‘usual’. The oil well of a face is cool. I raise my face to the air and close my eyes. Five minutes or three. She is there

I feel like a gypsy now. Wind unhinging every pore of my body exposed. Skin of the neck and the face tingle as she brushes past. I wanna fly away with it. I want to move away, see what she sees, go where she goes. If I let these thoughts lead me all over I might one day go away after it, with it. But aye. I always say..Love doesn’t bring you to disgrace. Love doesn’t lead you astray.. . It’s not love when you do

I feel intact, I am not slipping away. Not going mad. Not going crazy. Just held to the ground. Held to the cement floor and feeling cold. Cold isn’t bad. For now. These are the times when I feel privileged. I thank God for feeling what everyone cannot. I humble meagre human I may be and I so truly am. Under the eyelids all I see is frost. White frosty colour clings to my mind at the time. She brushes me again and I bury my face in my hands, away from her. She still strikes my hands, as if gently pulling them away.

This is all in my head, there is nothing significant about frost colour, there is no wind waiting for me. There is no monster and no saviour. There is no Jacob there is no Ian. There is no Conor and no Audrey. No Sebastian and.. ha no Leah. There is.. no Eustachia.. aye

But I can hear her, feel her around. I can see the colours. I know the monster, There is Jacob. Ian has died. Conor is in pain. Audrey does watch over him. Sebastian will find Leah. Leah will board the train everyday. I can feel Eustachia. I so severely do

I smile, And face the wind again. If I let go these metaphors these images. A lot of me will cease to be. I don’t merge imagination and reality. So for now I look at the heavens and make images in the clouds. I am just a normal person. Just someone lost in a crowd. Things are only as real as we consider them to be. Savvy =P

My Anger : A glimpse

I can feel it. I can feel it through my bones and I can feel it in my blood. The boiling temperature dissolving my veins away. I can feel that force lift me from my grounds and slam me into walls of my own existence. I can feel my brain pulsating painfully against the hold of its cage. I can feel the capillaries bursting. I can taste the blood in my mouth. I can feel my muscles go taut. The timer has gone off.

Don’t piss me off. Don’t offend me. You have no idea what anger does to me. It thrashes me around like a straw puppet. And the fire starts burning my existence. And right in front of everyone I burn away. Humiliated. Desiccated

My anger. It affects me. And yeah.. my mom too. I blow out at her and she on me. And both of us never know what actually caused us to be this way. It affects me as I destroy myself. I am one of those few people who won’t mostly punch or swear or curse or knock the hell outta everyone. But deep in.. I don’t know what happens. It’s catchy and I hate to spread it around

And then.. then one thought leads to another and I am caught in utter turmoil. Severe wrath. Helplessness and memories. All crash on me one by one. I’ll remember the first time I was hurt. I will remember all the loved ones I’ve lost. I’ll remember lies and deceit and mistakes and words.. God the bitter words. The cruel actions. Everything. It’s not the actual thing that pains. It’s the flashback. For a person who has buried her memories with the dead is scared to madness as the ghosts come back to haunt. Burning her present

Then I’ll take a big step. I’ll always take a big step. I can’t take revenge. I was never one of the fighters. I’d do one big thing and anger it’ll recede as the horror of my action settles in my mind. That of course, is another tale

Sometimes anger and helplessness mingle and increase a hundredfold when there is nothing I can do. Nothing to say. All mistakes and all lies. So I just hide in a dark corner and feel blood rushing into my mouth. With every blow a part of me leaves. One blow, and you’ll never see the same Eustachia again….

 

 

I’m Posting every week in 2011!

(the part of it left)

I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now. I will be posting on this blog once a week for all of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Signed,

Haibar Zair

I copy pasted it so I am laughing. Anyway I liked the badge and I do post on daily and weekly basis just wanted to try it out. Plus I will be posting random but the specifically tagged posts will be weekly. Peace