Better left unsaid, better left unfelt

up in the air

I spent an hour writing..everything. Pouring my anger into my laptop and editing it and constructing all those sentences and blah blah blah blah and a second before I was going to hit send.. I just stopped. Not today. Not now.

Have you ever felt so consumed with anger and hatred and total helplessness that your hands tremble and your eyes blur? The bad part is..that like before..it doesn’t pass ! It stays ! Boring deep into you and threatening to reach the core and blast you to pieces, or it stays like a burning ulcer which you know will remain for a long time

And the night comes and you sleep, and when you wake up in the morning..it’s still not gone. That taste of venom and acid is still in your mouth..

It’s a first for me. The other day my friend said that my anger lasted twenty minutes, that when I wake up, I forget the very name of the person I had a quarrel with. And it is true. But this morning when I woke up, it didn’t feel that way. I wanted to hurt and claw at someone. Just so the fire would go. But it stayed, the entire morning, the entire noon and part of the evening

And then I saw the face of the person I was angry at. And then I saw that face for good ten minutes in my head..and suddenly it all went away. The burn, the fire. It just isn’t worth it. Normally I give up at these things because I do not have the stamina nor the time to hold grudges or fight with people anymore. But this time I let a thing go because I had lost all the feelings of friendship I ever had, all the concern from my heart. Why do we feel hurt? Because we care. Indifference is the worse form of hatred for me. I’d rather fight all day with a friend than feel nothing at all. And how sad it is ! But we all have it coming to us. There is a limit to which a person can be pushed. Once, twice, thrice..so many times

And now as I read again the thing I was going to post earlier, I burst out laughing. Oh come on ! Grow up! Life’s too short to waste on people who don’t matter and things that don’t count ! We all know that yet we insist on indulging in all the crap in the world. *groan*

I have a research paper to write, a room to clean, a mother to call, a friend to bark on, a book to read, a party to attend and a big exam to prepare for.

Backstabbers don’t get a share in my life for today

And as for tomorrow..

Oye vey..

flying with happiness

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold And she’s buying a stairway to heaven

Alone in a Crowd

I don’t see them and yet the energies pass right through my body. They drain me, they make my mind leak. I can stand among a thousand people, attend classes with a dozen more and yet that shield of repulsiveness around me never fails to break. The few friends I have are the ones that make it bearable for me to live. I can pass on what I feel to them. Not through words, but mere gestures. And every gesture of mine has a hidden meaning in it. I don’t see you but I can look right through you. Trust me, I can’t feel your presence. There’s always a veil that separates me from everyone. And I don’t mind. It has always been like that, it’s the thought of the unveiling bareness that scares the living hell out of me. What happens if I start seeing them? What if it ends one day and the images cascade on me like waterfall and drown me? I don’t know, but I do fear it

So walking through the corridors of my college I felt like a bad sucking force somewhere from outside. I’ve never felt so small.. so..invisible. But then I am not meant to be seen, and I don’t like to be seen. I don’t like to be known. I don’t like strangers and I don’t like talking to them

And I don’t

Don’t take me wrong. I don’t mind it. I don’t like having to eat usual holiday breakfast or lunch with anyone but I sure enjoy the occasional get together and laughter. I don’t like sticking to friend like a glue but it’s nice to have company some time of the day, I am not a hermit, I am just a wacko.

We all have a ball of energies surrounding us, I don’t mean anything big or magical, just the way we carry ourself, maybe even how we think and act. Sometimes just a big shield of misconception and conceal

I know I have one. And I know how it can shun people to silence and dislike

Ciao

Haibar =)

 

Title: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin

 

Now, but never again

Walking away

It took a while to understand
And a while to know
The road I went on
Was never mine to go

It took a while to look
And a while to see
The person you just buried
Was someone I used to be

I went on this path
With a flower held to heart
The one you laid
On my mistaken grave

It took all this time to feel
And all this time to say
You never loved me once
and I won’t love you again..

Born alone die alone.. classic human tragedy

Have to type down the thoughts before the winds blow the composition away. Before the head drops down and the heart beat falters. Before the words fail me and the fate disappoints me. Gotta write it down, gotta pen it away.

When I am satisfied and content, my heart soars into the skies and brushes past the clouds. You know that.. that expression of relief and happiness when I leave whatever I am doing to help someone understand the attachment of sartorius (a muscle) ? I mean just that expression makes me fly. I just love that feeling that because of me someone’s work got done someone was happy… it just makes me go wild. Literally. AYE

You know… why I do it? No matter how hard it is for me to get up and go out and help a friend out in her work.. I try my level best to help her.. because I know the feeling of being stranded alone. I know how do you feel when you ask someone to help you and all you get is a refusal masked in poor consolation. I know what it feels like to be turned down again and again. So I try not to it myself. I know it feels.

With ten girls eating my head in an anatomy group demo I can just go on and say a few words and sit in a corner and study myself. I can go and make my own sandwich I can go mix myself a cup of tea… Some might say I help because It’s for my revision. Some might say maybe I want my dishes to be washed. Some others might say something else to disguise my persona as one of them

I am not One of you

I search people. I do. I can feel energies all around me. But only a few compel me to lift my head up and actually look in that direction. I have a lot of friends, people with good humour always do. But its different.. strange how never in my life I have found anyone who would leave a comfy warm bed for me. Who would bust a night’s sleep because you’re afraid of stuff that doesn’t exist… Not even one mate not even one friend…

Mom? Dad? They love me, come one there is no point of bringing them into my cynical and optimistic mosaic monologue lol

Maybe that is what makes me happy. That I am someone you are NOT! I hate things liked by everyone I love things nobody notices I am tall I talk funny (most of the at times) it all separates me and boy, I was brought up this way! And aye, I am glad. If I had never been through what I went through.. who knows what I would’ve become

I am not asking for a return. I am a believer. And when you are a believer…

 

Answers come easy =)

 

It’s just one of those feelings I have..

I cannot put emotions into words until I don’t feel them, I cannot smile when the happiness is shallow, tears don’t fall unless pain penetrates and the turmoil doesn’t shred till the soul is bared… ah.. not till the soul is bared

You see me now, dressed in purple and black. Two very conflicting colours with different essence clad on a body attuned to only one colour. How I wish I could wear something rich brown, just to ease the tension. Let the vibrations out and in suitably. Let me really feel what I am feeling. Just let me feel what is mine..

I am lapsing into the state of nothingness, and no feelings penetrate as I sit in bright sun, the warmth should reach my heart but no it is only burning my back. My hands are on fire. And I see the colours conflicting on my lap. Purple, black, golden.

My nerves stretch taut as I sit. Sit and feel nothing. This is not me. This cannot be me. Is there too much happiness? Is there too much tension? Is the nervousness tearing me apart?

How long can I sit, thinking on this state of mine, I do not know. There is wind. There is company. I want to whisper so she carries my voice away to someone who can hear it. Who can respond back. I want to blow away with the northern winds. I want to see where they can take me. How far can they take me.. How long till they disappear and I am lost..in sands, in water.. I don’t know..

I am just a normal person. My thoughts maybe a little out of the ordinary. But that is the 1% of my DNA separating me from the common 99 we all share.

Just these thoughts, nothing else =)

In the corner, into night

(I found this in a lost folder in my computer, I guess I wrote at night after some party or wedding ceremony)

There always are these eerie feelings. They have been there. And they shall remain

And I sit here. Again. As the slightest of the prick finally blows me apart. Again. Been fighting all day. But in the low hours I cease to be what I tend to become. So I just fall back. Let my hair loose. Let them fall free and wild on my shoulders and I retire to face the corner of my bed. Time to just, let go

I remember the pendant I wore. Black. All set with stones. Beautiful. Lying heavily around my neck. I just want to say what I want to say. And I know, there is that opening in me, from where vibrations or feelings enter or leave. I just pick them up. Or let them leave my world. My body, my existence

And I have truly nothing to say. There are just these feelings that inhabit me. I cannot put down what I feel because this pain is rooted so deeply in me that at the end of the day it will, it will force me to repay for all the happiness and laughter of the day. It will make me curl in my bed and call people long dead and places long left.

This does not mean I am weak. This does not portray that I am falling apart. This is just a part necessary for my survival. I am what pain and happiness make me. The stages in between ends up making me.. one of the crowd
Maybe that is the place where I belong. Maybe someday I will not be left alone here. Maybe someday someone will keep me away from crowds. Or stay as I sway with the suffocation burning my lungs away

I am not waiting. I am not yearning. I don’t possess such feelings anymore. I have left and I will never come back. I will not be and I don’t want to be pursued

You know, this time I mean it…

It is just one of those thoughts I have

I can’t come up with a story. I am far too drained and tired. Brain is cracking. Hands are limp. Not dead neither dying. State of pure tiredness. And will transform into the State of Nothingness soon. It’s good. Helps body heal. Muscles readjust. Bones breathe

I am not going to tell the story of how I roamed around the planet getting stuff done and how much did I miss my Dad being away. Nor will I say what part of me rejuvenated or which part just so darned surrendered. Nor the vibrations tearing my body apart. Nothing. I am sitting on my maroon chair. I am home. I am eating Twix. Just finished a pack of Milky Way. I am ok. I’ll soon transit into a better and peaceful state

So what if I am hearing James Blunt and so what I feel like sighing? So what if those parts of our heart that cling to our souls and minds and suck any bit of light they get? So what if there are things we cannot just let go? So what if I think that my pc’s battery life is almost over? So what if I hate my cell phone? So what if I don’t care having another? So what If I am pissed off due to absolutely no reason? HAN? SO WHAT?

Sick of drama. That’s it. Want to sleep and get over it. I just want to get over it.

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it

It is a strange day. It is a stranger me. The thoughts, the feelings the perceptions are all new.. And all so strange.

I lie here, oh yes I do. On a soft bed under a soft quilt. Head resting on a soft pillow. Every part of my body pains. There are places of unknown anatomy that pulsate with known pain. My hands burn. My breath is shallow. Every breath I intake feels like hitting my lungs hard. It is so strange. So far away

I don’t care. About anything, about anyone. I am sighing these deep sighs. My eyes are dry. And I am so broken. So broken.. Lord every part of me has fallen apart. And the pieces that stick to me are nothing but jagged shards. Piercing me in places unknown

Hope.. yes.. I hope it all ends today. I have no curiosity no want to go ahead. People say there is a lot I have to see. There is a lot to come. I know that speech by heart. I have been making it to different people at different times. But no.. I don’t want to go on. I have seen enough. My soul is full of all the experiences. Body is weak. Heart won’t take more

Watching the eerie, unbelievingly white and clean ceiling. Watching through eyes so tired, so groggy. I lie here, breathing in rich medicine scented hospital air. I have loved, I have met lots of people. Made friends made foes. Lost people found people. Broke got up. Got practical got emotional.. I just wanna go home now.. I am content of all I ever saw of what ever happened… But now after all I went through. All I saw and All I felt. I don’t want to be wasted anymore. It is just plain refusal to fight anymore. It is just plain defeat of a soul that isn’t blue anymore…

(title: Quote by Oscar Wilde)

A bubble went pop..

At last I got a moment for myself, cousins working on their tests. Mom and the rest out for dinner and I with a borrowed usb.

I was jumping, bobbing up and down on my heels. A long travel tale already formulated in my mind. Buzzed my pc start, hit the e-mails. One glance, there pops my bubble

Who misses me? None

My inbox was flowing with all sorts of mails and notifications. They don’t matter. So what if some so and so commented on some so and so I wrote some while ago. Not even one stinking mail from a friend. Not even Stance. No one. I think it’s time I restrict my care and my.. what shall I say.. devotion?

I.. think of my friends all the time. ALL the time.. and honestly speaking if I care for you.. I will and so completely will show. If a friend goes on with you, you don’t turn your back because you are bored or uncertain of your feelings, it’s a friend, my folks. And it is just a friend required

Everything just.. pops. As if I was unaware of a hole and my enthusiasm just leaked through it, I oblivious to the fact sat there. In front of this rectangular screen, feeling utterly and thoroughly defeated. All that happiness I felt today all that energy to tell my friends all the story about the hills the mountains the tiring journey and the most handsome people I saw.. All lost. All gone. Maybe someday when I get the spark of joy from somewhere.. I’ll reconstruct the scenario.

The best line of the journey that came into my mind while hearing Time of Your Life on the bus was “What can be better than slumping on a comfy seat, listening to your favourite music and talking to your best friend in the world?” Nothing my folks. Maybe nothing…

Just as I bid my pc sleep, I remembered few lines from a book and sighed. My friends love me because of what I am.. I have to learn to love them as what they are. Not what I want them to be. I can’t expect the world to run my way.. I never do.. The exceptions.. ouch they have always hurt

It’s just. Huh. I have nothing to say. Just I’ll retire to my bed and rethink how I act. It might be another week till I get a decent connection. With the feeling I encountered today.. I don’t care even if it take months…