Off the track

I was just, stumbling around. Caught in my own thoughts, enmeshed in my own understandings. I went on. Head bowed as if I had no curiosity of where I was going. Wearing a big coat and my black trousers. Walking on a deserted road. Night illuminated dimly by the yellow street lights. Such a serene atmosphere. Such an innocent environment…

I am afraid. Afraid to get closer to anybody. Afraid to let open those parts that try to eat me up inside.. scared that again I’ll be proved wrong. This time I might not be strong enough. I am terrified to introduce my friends around. One mistake. My chain breaks..

No. Wait. Stop. I stop in that quiet street and think at the thought. When will I have a life of my own? I have it already dammit! I have a better one. I am a better person. I know better people. So what if life’s not a lot of what I wanted and had? So what? Huh, so what!?

I kick the pebbles out of my way and lift my head. The street is all lighted. I have a long way to go ahead. Hands deep in my pocket, I smile inwardly. I know he has been following me. I slow my pace so he catches me now. Jacob comes and pokes me in my ribs

Gotcha

 

If its meant to be, it’s meant to be

I am trembling. Every cell of my body is vibrating with uncertain energy. I am not an addict and nobody slips drugs in my drinks or food (or so I know) But here I am. Every muscle every fiber. Shaking in a turbulent manner. Making me uncertain. Making me afraid

What a feeling. What a state. Have you ever felt it? Have you ever felt the control getting lost? Have you ever just felt so confused about decisions that they shake you thoroughly and absolutely? You know how hard it is to trust after being smashed again and again and again? Know it? Understand it? Get it!?

You never step in the same waters twice. You never get bitten by the same snake twice. You can never cook in the same wooden pot again. You know what! You simply cannot!

Just be quiet and let things be. If it’s meant to be It’ll find it’s way.

I’ve been lost for a while…

 

To the Thawing Wind

I am sitting near the balcony, my legs are dangling through the metal bars.. long they are and ridiculous I look. But there is no one to see.. Nobody to snigger and point. I am so nicely shielded, with the gusts of wind perfecting the situation. Now I can just sit here and think.. and sigh and understand a lot I haven’t.. try to see through a lot of curtains.

 
Nothing clears your head like the after rain wind. And I feel as if I was born today, early in the morning as the first drop of rain hit the Earth. The clouds still roam overhead.. shielding the Sun… And I look down at the deserted street, imagining people moving down there. With the power of imagination I can conjure anything but hey.. It’s high time we return to face the reality. For a second let’s feel the metal bars and their presence… before I imagine them covered in veils of sacred light. For a moment let’s feel the loneliness of the street. For a an instant let’s embrace our happiness and sorrows in their real form. For now.. for this very time period.. Let’s be normal…

 

I run from the very aspect of the word, yet to the core I am much like the normal person God created.. in it’s very pure form. Let’s cherish our being normal.. today let’s breathe like what we truly may be.. Forget what you wanted to be.. forget what you might become. Neglect the fact that somewhere, deep in, you are unique.. Nobody can challenge your DNA yeah but be one of the crowd today. Stand in that maddening crowd. Walk through the known and well-travelled roads. See the colours as everyone sees them. Smell the dirt as we all do. Forget everything that separates you from others… For now. Here. Today.

 
I rest my head on the cold metal and inhale the smell of rusting steel. How far can I run…

The Courses of true love never did run smooth

And lonely as it is that loneliness 
Will be more lonely ere it be less— 
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow 
With no expression, nothing to express.

I sit and I sit. Too depraved, too emotionally and physically drained. I don’t know how many have you reached or gone through this state. When you give up on everything and absolutely everyone. Too tired to go on. Too tired to call, hold someone back; even yourself. After a long walk we sit on that bench, body cool with the evaporating sweat. Wanting to escape into a world where you don’t have to think….

Yes. For a person like me who goes wild thinking, the state is a bliss. But somehow today I sit deeply disappointed, lacking the feel. Lacking the want to converse with anyone. I don’t wanna move. I don’t wanna talk. I am so defeated. I am so tired.

The water rushes and hits the cliff, eroding it. With every force a part of the strong cliff gives way, It’s not visible. Not apparent yet. Only the hardest remain; soft lost to the waves ages ago. Once part of a great cliff, the pebbles now rest at the bottom of the salt water.

I look above and watch the clear blue sky, marred by a few clouds. The salt scented wind fills my nostrils and inflates my lungs. Every blow threatens to break me apart. Harsh words ring through my ears and I remember the pain with which hard and blunt words hit. Deep breath. A wave of breakdown evaded. I want to lie back over here and I want no one to disturb me. I have lost myself to these waves. I am pebbles, lost underwater. I am that bark, ripped from roots due to that storm, I am a healer lost in her own pain..

My dad comes and sits by me. His silence mingling with my melancholy. I think they acknowledged my prolonged absence at home. I am touched… He won’t hug me as I am a big girl now, he messes my hair with his elder, strong hands.. And.. and I fight tears no more

  

(Stanza from Robert Frost’s ‘Desert Places’)

Wind and Window flower

Sometimes it is so difficult to inhale one’s defeat.. so difficult to accept things and move on. To understand the facts and face the reality. It’s so difficult.. it’s so hard

And here I am.. packing my bags… Opening my secret drawers and reaching under the sofas and mattresses and piling all the books together. Sweating all over and arranging them in a carton.. or rather cartons. That is the only thing I pack.. or take care of. My books. So it took me a day to pile and categorize and thanks to my sis-cum-cousin now I can’t even find a single pen…

The point is.. with my cousin I am a bouncing ball.. Sarcastic and humour filled teen who’ll make the environment burst with laughter in two minutes. Haha very funny. Really witty….

But of course.. Things run a different course at the back of my mind. I feel distant and uneven. It’s the long run that scares me. And now I am going away again. Feel so tired. Feel like giving up. Shall I give up? Shall we all give up? Someone once said to me what was all that struggle for if we give up midway? But how long.. How long does it take. How long do we have to stay like this? Do these races and struggles end like.. ever?

They say live each of your days like it’s your last.. But that can be done once.. because if the next day is not your last.. you might aswell kick yourself. Sometimes things seem to just run out of hands. Everything spilling from your hand like sand… the harder you clutch the faster they flow…out

I have a bad habit of piling unnecessary thoughts and opinions together giving my presentation a very mosaic look. But things don’t have to have a theme. There isn’t supposed to be a moral in everything. I am sitting here watching the brown cartons I am here ready to go back yet deep in my heart I do not want to retreat to my older self.. my older home. Past is dead but dead people have ghosts about them and the memories are something I am not willing ti embrace because.. because.. I DO NOT have space to keep any more pain and one blow.. and poof I am down.. and believe me.. I receive such blows every single day… It’s a hobby to some people…. It takes a lot of courage from my side to go on. A lot indeed….

Life was never this way.. the roads were never so broken, the journey never so shaky and the destination never so uncertain. The paths scatter in different directions.. each leading to places unknown.. offering journeys I will never be prepared for……

Patience is something I’ll never have.. Love is something I’ll never get… It’s the small friendship I cherish. So I snuggle in the mattress on the floor. And look outside the window. And I silently call the wind…. And you know.. I never said she always answers…

( Title : Poem by Robert Frost)

Through the Looking Glass

This time her mind is made up 
Yeah, she’s moving on 
Tonight her spirit’s crushed 
It’s ’cause she don’t belong 

I had just packed my bag and rushed out into the passage, It was deserted as everyone was off to the institution gates to skip back home after a long day. As I stood there, calling home, I saw a girl. Stumbling. She was walking slowly and in such a resigned manner that I stood and just watched her. She was taking deep breaths and then slumped on the stone bench, rested against the wall and closed her eyes.

Maybe she thinks too much 
She thinks she’s given enough 
Only now they’ll know she’s got a heart of gold 

I was stoned. Something just held me to the ground. She was so absorbed in herself she didn’t see me standing a yard away. Sorrow was emanating from her and I could feel her bathed in blue and yellow. It was disbelief, regret, helplessness. Pain. Lord she was in pain.

Always looking for love 
She’s beginning to think she’s cursed 
On her looks she judged 
By the folks at work 

I knew what would happen next. She was staring at her hands. Empty. Then she just put them to her face and started sobbing in them. I felt like a damned statue, I wanted to go to her, sit there. If not to hug or help..or talk… just to sit by her. Someone was in pain right in front of me and I couldn’t even move. I felt like a crippled person, my soul was throbbing

She don’t care for fashion and fame 
Those kind of people they are all the same 
One day they’ll know, she’s got a heart of gold 

What had happened? Had she lost someone closer? Had she lost her Dad? Had she lost her Brother? Had she seen someone die? Did someone break her heart? Crushed her soul? Don’t cry. Please. Don’t. It’ll be ok. I have never seen such intensity of pain with these eyes of mine. Did someone lie to you? Or you found out something more bitter than anything you ever knew?

And she sings, I want to know what love is 
But it seems to come with so much pain 
If no one wants to show me 
It seems easier just to run away 
When I am gone it’s just a penny for my soul 
But God he knows, I got a heart of gold 
 

It crushed me to see her wipe those tears away with so much force. I could feel her heart breaking right in me. Or maybe she was far too much broken already. Maybe the pain I was witnessing was nothing compared to what she might have felt before. I don’t know her. I’ll never know her. She’ll part away as a stranger. I’ll never find out what made her clutch the bench so hard. Just like I do when in pain. But all I ever felt was physical. Her sorrow was engraving itself to her soul. I know it… I have felt it.

Been coming ’round here 
Since she’s a little girl 
But now the change is clear 
We live in a cynical world 

And things stick to me to the very end. When I am smiling and laughing and jumping around, someone somewhere in the world would be dying.. someone might be caught in a whirl of grief and pain. And now I have seen one person with so much suffering that I will keep it in my heart forever. And she sat there, sobbing into her hands for so long. I lost track of time. I did not care. All I knew was that someone is in agony, Such great agony, All was despair. All was torture.

She don’t care for fashion and fame, no 
Those kind of people they are all the same 
They don’t wanna know, she’s got a heart of gold 

I have never judged people ever in my life, I believe that I can never hold that position. But today I was evaluating her. Because she was like a light I was watching through a prism. I knew her by the spectrum I saw in her. It was blue. It was yellow. It was black. It was lavender aye. Her agony was caused by revelation. She found out something. And she could not break away. It was lavender. The colour I associate myself with. There were colours I never understood. New. Pulsating. I don’t know, my eyes welled up with tears and I blinked hard. I could not take it anymore. I just walked ahead, each step weighing pounds, as if someone had clutched my heart and was squeezing it. Tonight I’ll pray for her. And I wish I never see her again. I’ll never pass that passage again. I will never pass that class again. She reminded me of someone I know.. I have seen this pain before…

And I writhe in a pain not my own…

And she sings, I want to know what love is 
But it seems to come with so much pain 
If no one wants to show me 
It seems easier just to run away 
When I am gone it’s just a penny for my soul 
But God he knows, I got a heart of gold 

Sebastian and Leah : Strings

I was sitting under the tree. It much too hot outside. I was hiding myself in my skirt, arms wound tightly against my legs. I wanted to run away. Run away from the hatred that was eating me up. Run away from the feelings of revenge. Of paying them all back for their lies. I was never this way. This wasn’t me. Go away Go away. Leave, whoever you are. I had soaked my skirt now. But I will wash myself away today. I will I will I will.

”I think you tried to that ages ago”

I looked up and saw my friend crouching over me. I knew he would come. He always found me wherever I was. I buried myself again

“It’s coming back, I don’t wanna fight with myself. I did something I never wanted to do. Why do they have to do it.. What did I do man? Now I am doing what I don’t wanna do.. I am taking rash actions. I am crying… I am crying again’

“Look at that scar on your arm.. whenever you shake hands with someone… That’s what they see first. They all look at your cracks. No matter how strong you are… No matter how strong you’ become…you’ll show up with your cracks very soon”

“I don’t understand”

He chuckled. And sat right by me on the ground. I usually rested my head on his shoulder.. But today my head was resting upon my knees. We sat in silence. Sun was still high. Scorching hot. My bike was out in the heat. I was sweating. And I did not care. I hated the world around me. I hated myself for the first time in my life. It was too excruciating. I was at peace. They had to break it.. how can I be happy… Happiness is not for me… Liars.. Hypocrites.

“Have you never been a hypocrite?”

“Yeah  I have been. When I said I was happy. When I said I could hate. When I said I never cared… I WAS A DAMN HYPOCRITE”

“And you called Desdemona an idiot”

Tear soaked I looked at him. He was impossible.Yeah… I know. I should never have. Desdemona was killed by Othello… A sheer price for her love. I called her stupid because she was far too sensitive, she was blind to what was happening”

“Aren’t you blind still?” 

“Thanks a lot for pointing that out. Leave Sebess”

She was crazy. I knew her. She would say get out a million times now. But it never helps to over think stuff. It will never help to blame yourself or others for faults. It never helps to make resolutions. At least for me it never did. I had walked long to come here, but I knew I would find her. This big tree was her refuge. And she was bonded to it. I never understood the fact that she was always caressing the bark. But the pain was unnecessary. Unwanted. We have to subdue the demons of our thoughts to move on. I had. And so had she. But the devil never rests… Its his nature.. He will attack the moment he finds a shred of weakness.. And she was weak…. Much too weak…

Yeah here he is. Acting so cool. As if he doesn’t know anything. As if he wasn’t there when I was thrown out of my house. As if he wasn’t there when my family died in the crash. As if he wasn’t there when everything broke. He had been there all along. And still still he says.. It’s the same everywhere. We can never judge anybody’s pain. We can never review. We can never comment. We can never understand the intensity of situations the other person went through.. We shouldn’t even dare…But we.. in our marble homes and furnished lives…

“Leah.. I am tired of making you understand the reality. I have tried so hard to make you see sense. How long will you run from the truth? Leah look at me. Leah”

“My fault?”

“Fault? Your fault?! From the beginning it has been you and only you making mistakes. But it’s all over. Everything is lost. You have to accept it. You have to live with it”

“I am a kid… they had to break a kid..”

“Leah.. oh my..This world doesn’t work our way, the meaning of love and care… They have changed and you cannot expect everyone to follow your virtues. Look around, Everything had changed. These values aren’t what they are shown as. The hearts are hollow the brains are dead.. The souls… ha.. long lost..”

“I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do. I am tired. Tired of touching myself every night. I am scared to believe again, And every expression I exhibit, every emotion I let free gets lost. My sorrow is cherished… I wanna run away Sebess. I wanna run away”

“Cut those strings.. The ones that connect you to them. They have been long loosened. It won’t hurt much. Believe me. The ones that once bonded you, once connected you have become nothing more than puppet strands.”

“But they are there! That makes me stay. They are the ones that make me think.. It might not be over… It might not be over…”

“They are there? Give a tug honey and it’ll all be clear”

No, no. I could not do so. I could not breakaway. True, there was nothing left to hold on .. Except if I kept on believing in words and feelings that were long gone. Throughout my life I’ll stay in this stage of to be or not to be. It’ll eat me up. And I’ll let it. Oh Lord help me. Help me. I am lost. I am sorry for defying you and the gifts you gave me. I have disintegrated now and every second of it kills me because I don’t want to express my sorrow.. It gives many deep immortal pleasure.. I… I

Between the sobs Sebess gathered me and hugged me real tight. As if he was putting my pieces back together, giving them the shape I had lost long ago. My eyes started to flow wildly, as if a tsunami had broken free from the holds of my weak eyes. It was much too strong, I felt the force strike my eyes as I rubbed them over his shoulder. I could feel the intensity of his feelings crossing the barrier and entering me. I finally understood what he was trying to make me realize.

“Let it go.. Leah.. cut the strings.. Do it yourself… Nobody is going to help you out of it, Nobody is going to relieve you from the pain, Nobody will take the blame for your sake, It’s going to happen one day. End it now Leah, My friend end it now”

I sobbed and hiccupped. I knew what he meant. Once I go on, I’ll lose so much. I’ll lose the ability to trust, love and care. Nobody will know what I was, and when I ceased to be. It’ll be over. I might be free. I might be free.

Leah got up from the seat as the train came to a halt, boarded in and stood in a far corner. The tree, the bike, nothing was to be seen. Now that the strings were cut, she doubted they would ever find her again. But aye, no one would try

The Train Station

I was walking on the road, Immersed  in my thoughts. My self-indulgent self was moving slowly on the pavement. A sharp sound brought me back to Earth, people booing and hooting, girls clutching each other and squealing with false /true glee. I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out the cause of commotion. A big banner stuck on the wall gave me some clue. Slowly I figured out the names written over play-cards. Puff. Some new celebrity, few fans, people just jumping on the bandwagon. Who cares. They all seemed so far away.

These thoughts made my brain function a little quicker. I began to notice the wet environment around me., the clear wind filed my nostrils and my lungs. I felt her usual caress over my face, my bare hands. Smiling slightly, this so self-absorbed self moved ahead.

I was fed up looking around this path everyday,fed up with everything that somehow brought me back to my senses. I didn’t even posses the scrutiny the curiosity about anything that might give my thoughts a change of direction. I was myself.. which some say.. is sometimes the greatest pain..

Everyday I told myself to start off late. But I somehow had become used to this slow, lazy walk before, maybe, maybe, my day started. Few moments with my dreams will bring me no good, no happiness, no better thoughts. Nothing whatsoever.

I had lived through yesterday, like I did day before yesterday, and each and every day of these months. It did not amaze me now. Things seldom did. Feeling as if drowning in some muddy depths, I slowed my pace. Walking was better, better than sleeping, sitting or even running. For I was tired. I had given up. But it wasn’t enough. I would survive. These breaths won’t cease with me. This heart beat won’t give way.

Another caress from an age-old friend, this wind, I moved ahead. Forgetting that few minutes were left for the train to come and waiting too gave you nothing. If not a flashback, if not a memory.

And in this crowd, yet again. I feel the same defeat, the same disbelief. Maybe not disbelief.. I had given up on that feeling ages ago. I fought, yet again, with that pain that refused to flow out. Refused to let my brain, my mind, my soul to leave its own self. As for the heart.. ,my chest was empty. I didn’t have to touch to make it sure. It was where now the pain lived, crippling my soul and bruising my body.

Feeling dizzy but with no expression crossing my face..I boarded in the train that just came to a halt. Refusing to look around. Refusing to let my eyes search around for him, I bow my head down and stare at my feet. Sitting alone gave you no joy.