When she’s gone. Remember, you once loved her

You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on

Sitting alone, looking peaceful.. gives you no good. But do I care what I look like? I am here, with warm humid sea winds ruffling my hair. Do I care what does the world think about me? Do I care if they stare at me, click their tongues impatiently and give those sympathetic remarks? The only thing I knew was that she was gone.. and the world would never be the same..

It has been a month since Audrey died. A month has passed away and yet my heart beat persists. A month has gone by and yet..yet I breathe. I considered ending it and running forward to meet her but I know she’ll lift those disappointed eyes.. Coward. If living in this brooding pain makes me any braver than hey Audrey.. hey I am far more braver than the friend you left behind…

The wind rushes past me and stings my eyes… I stare straight. She lived so much.. she lived her life away with me.. Maybe the people who have to leave early share a lot with us…Giving us so much to hold on later. I remember her.. That oxygen mask clamped to her face and that IV deep into her vessels.. I can see her strapped in that ward.. I can picture her so clearly… how she removed the mask as I came to her, not caring that her breath got uneven. She had looked deep into my eyes.. her gaze filled with apology… filled with uncertain guilt. At that time.. at the time of her leaving to the silent side… She was.. apologizing?

Why.. why Audrey.. I know you never told me about your cancer.. But why did you look at me like that? Why did you, in that broken voice, leave me your diaries..? You know I never was one of those strong people.. You knew me.. You were the one who mended me. And yet you gave me all that stuff I’ll never have the courage to even hold steadily

I miss you. Oh yes. Everything I do.. in every thought I possess, It’s you. People tell me to move on.. What do they mean hah? Forgetting you? I can’t do that. I don’t mourn. I just.. miss you. I don’t ask you back.. I don’t pray for the impossible. I don’t stammer at your mention. I don’t cry for you in front of everyone.. That Joe you liked… he already is out for someone. That brother of yours, gone Audrey. That high school friend you cared so much for.. She didn’t even come on the funeral. Nobody mentions you anymore.. some may remember you. But none like me.. never like me

I don’t know what to say, what to do.. every moment I spent thinking about you gives me air. Gives me strength. As if I am paying you back for all that love you gave me. You know.. I thought we’d be friends forever.. I thought you’d never leave my side..

Except I am confused, I am tired. I wake up early in the morning and work till late. I don’t try to run from your memories. I don’t try to busy my thoughts to block you away. You left a gaping hole in my life.. And I don’t want it to be occupied.. I don’t want anybody now, friend.. You are gone and I am still breathing…

My eyes well up as I understand again that she won’t come back, she can’t peek in. I don’t care if I am a boy.. I don’t care if anyone sees me. Hot tears gush down my face and I grab her grey diary tight to my chest. The wind howls and the tide wets my bare feet.. Love is far deeper than we possibly take it to be…Love is pure. Love is innocent. It’s enough to live this life with it’s ups and downs… But she isn’t here to share it anymore… She isn’t here to give it anymore…