Sebastian and Leah: Illusions

Green corridor

It is a great night, more cooler than it should be. The summers are parting and winters are headed this way. I sat in the endless corridor, with my cup of tea and a notebook in my hand. I gotta finish studying this topic by midnight. I gotta get over it by midnight

But do we keep the promises we make with ourselves, let alone keeping those we make with others.? It has become a habit of ours. Saying things we cannot do, wanting things we cannot have, holding on to things that no longer can stay, it’s the stupid nature of the impractical human. It’s just one of those things we do

So, I quickly skim through the entire thing. Close my eyes and repeat the difficult parts to myself. Slurp the tea as loudly as I can, and smile to myself as I hear the absurd sound amplified in the cold corridor. I like this place.

I can hear them sounds at the end of the passage, someone’s coming my way. I get back to my notes and start reading them again. He comes and sits by me. I haven’t seen him a long time. I heard he was busy out there, and so was I, in my own illusions, in the virtual that don’t stay

Last time I met my friend, I was burning with hatred and anger. Last time he came when I was far too weak to breakaway, far too weak to hold my head up. Too open, too vulnerable. Transparent. And now, it felt like a big wall around myself, and I was finally locked inside it, last time I had a few people who helped me pull through all the mess in my life. And now here I am and there is no one out there I could call out to. I don’t want to.

But then, things change. One changes. Yes the true essence of the heart and the soul doesn’t go, it shouldn’t go but the skin becomes hard, the armour becomes impenetrable, if you’re lucky, the hatred, the anger, the venom all fades away, because it all got flushed out too long ago. The only feeling left this time is..tireness. And  boy, I am tired..

So I wasn’t gonna sob, I wasn’t gonna cry, I wasn’t gonna find that poison and let it sting hard. There’s too much of that in the air already. So I pick up my brown cup of tea, and clink against the white one in Sebess’ hand, no matter how hard it is, there are some people who soften the blow. Their voices soothe the very fires inside. I was glad my friend was here, and that truth I was afraid to realize seeped into me slowly..

If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it…you will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.

If one was ever a true friend, the friend will stay…or else it’s all illusion.

It passes..

man and tea

Quote by Ritu Ghatourey

Jacob and Cynthia: Someday

I am sorry Jake
Makes no difference
I mean it man.. Come on
Okhay
Jake?
Hmmm?
I apologize
Save your breath
JAKE?
SHUT THE HELL UP CYNTHIA

I held myself down, I could feel my hands and legs trembling as my temper rose. I repeatedly told myself that it was not my position to be angry but I had never apologized before.. Nor had I made such big a mistake. I meant no harm… I never did. It was a mistake.. And I was sorry. How much will he fight? For crying out loud I KNOW he is a guy but can’t guys just act human? He misses his friend like hell!! The other friends are not like him! I had invited Aaron for him! But no.. He was kicking a tantrum. Not talking, not replying and now in this sick library I feel like breaking the melon of his head into two!

I am gonna keep calling you until you dont drop this stupidity
Ha, talking about stupidity, I can’t look him in the eye just because of the silly fact that I let you hold my cell phone FOR ONE STINKING SECOND. Remind me Cyn.. I am never to trust you again
Oh. Sorry. Jacob.. You are never to trust me again

Oh crap. I looked up at her finally and she was staring at her hands. Great. I had said too much. But.. but I wanted to just vanish away in the earth for what she had done.. It was a get together at MY place. Only BOYS were to come. And she texted Aaron as me! That I invited him! We had gone our ways…. Things had changed… I dint care what and who he was. I just wanted to have some peace and CYN HAD TO DESTROY IT. Why can’t she just.. mind her own business?

Ok. Alright. Cyn. I get it. It’s ok.
Nay.. It’s not ok.. I am so sorry
Are you?
Aren’t I?
Yeah, of course you are. Let’s, let’s call it a day. Come on let’s leave

I will not give in.. I will not breakdown infront of him. He’ll never forgive me. What an idiot I am .. what do I care if a bunch of boys, forget an eleven year old friendship over a girl whom none of them will ever see again? How thick can one be? What was I thinking.. I did that for him and I am apologizing now and he’s acting so diffident Moron. idiot. I am never doing anything for him EVAR.

I’m not going, I have to complete some work
You did it all yesterday
I still have pharma and histology to work on
Fine.
 

I pushed the door open and came out into the grounds. Irritation ripping every part of my body. Now I have to face her too.. why can’t the world just leave me alone and focus on what they have in their lives? Now what.. go in face her or go out and watch Aaron smirking inwardly? One day I am gonna end up drowning them, or Hell I wish I had a blender in which I could smash their brains and be done with all this. Groan

You forgot your library card. Jughead
Oh right, what would I do without you =D
You do know I hate you so dearly.
The feeling.. My friend.. Is mutual =D
I am not kidding
Neither am I
Shut up Jake
Try me.
I hate you
I despise you
You are a moron
Fine I’ll pay for lunch today…
Now we’re getting somewhere =D
Yeahyeah
I am sorry Jake. I really am
Let’s leave it now shall we? Or you’re gonna lose the free meal
Okay, but I wanna know what really happened
Someday
Someday… Huff.. alright..

May and Anna: A friend in need

Anna, hey alright I am going to sleep now, after you are done with the assignment switch the lights off and plug my cellphone out of charging, okay?

Will do

May pushes all her scattered books to one side of the bed and pulls over the blanket. I look at the book in my hands, and pretend to read it again. Words seems to be in some other script, language so vague and foreign. I don’t understand any of it. My face has started to burn and my breath is coming on shallow, sometimes the heart takes over my mind and my stupid mind never argues, nor resists. I don’t want to breakdown in front of my friend. I don’t want this emotional display to raise so many questions and sympathy. They all think I have stashed my heart in a sack somewhere. I let them think that. And I like it. That is the me they know and the me I have made myself into for them. I don’t want that to change.

I can’t control myself anymore, I scramble out of my bed and hastily make out the door. Everyone is studying everywhere. And everybody knows me in this storey. I don’t know where to go.

I reach for the staircase, taking each step in unknown hurry. I walk into an unknown dark corridor with wired windows looking outside into the roads and other buildings. I need air. I need to walk. Where people who don’t know me and won’t question as they pass by.

I want to tear my hair and vomit. I need to release all this tension building up in my head, Why do I make exceptions in my life, why do I tell them my dreams, why do I laugh that unguarded laughter, why do I open up to them. Why is my life such a damned mathematical formula that unbalances itself the moment I have peace. Why why why why…Why do I make those darned exceptions…

I pace, fast and slow until my frustration and utter anger passes. I feel weak and hungry. I slowly walk back, down the stairs, down the corridors and into my room. Unplug May’s phone and place it next to her pillow. I pick up my books and arrange them neatly on the table. Make my bed and switch the lights off. Curl in my bed and try not to think. May rustles and I see her tiny hand poking under my quilt. I take it in mine and she squeezes it. A few tears leak and I breathe in a sigh.

He lost you, Anna.. Didn’t he?

I squeeze back her hand gently and smile

Didn’t we all…

A thousand miles seems pretty far But they’ve got planes and trains and cars I’d walk to you if I had no other way

 

Hey there Delilah
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty

There are places in the world, of all types and all kinds. Those scenes so beautiful and breathtaking, those valleys hell-hound and horrible. Places have feelings about them, because of the memories they hold or just the eyes that see them. A simple wall can have hundred stories about it, for a hundred broken prisoners saw it, for the hundred people who could never get past it. Over and away

Yes you do
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you
I swear it’s true

But now it’s me. These are my brown eyes, watching what perhaps might be the most lonely and most beautiful thing they ever saw. I am sitting in a dimly lit lawn after dark, I see a new concrete bench in front of me, sheltered by a big tree. I see young grass growing in its feet. I see it, and my breath seems to have lost its way in my heart

Hey there Delilah
Don’t you worry about the distance
I’m right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen

My Lord, all I can feel is that strange despair. It’s a newly built hostel I live in now. That new bench is there in front of me. I sit across it, on another fine seat, a song humming in my ears. It’s white and shining, years will pass and it will whither, pieces will fall off. Hundreds will sit and another hundred will come. Time will pass. Life will go on

Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise
I’m by your side

That feeling of waiting. Just standing still in time and space because you know it. You hope. I feel that in the air hung around it, as if a place made and kept for someone who hasn’t come yet. Someone that won’t ever come. She doesn’t know that yet. Hope is there. In the young faces of the grass, in the shining innocence of the bench.

Oh it’s what you do to me
Oh it’s what you do to me
What you do to me

The tree looks down upon all those young faces, new in the path of life, new in the path of yearning. His sorrows I know not, the barrier around his soul is too strong and too wise for me to comprehend. All I know is I will never have the courage to go sit on that bench. I come and sit across it every evening and hear to the same song. But I can never just go and feel what really is there to be felt. It’s not made for me. I will not understand. Just like being in love with someone who will never see your love, because his eyes were not made for you, his heart beats would never sync to the faltering rhythm that is gonna die in you. Just like waiting for a bus which you know will already be full, and still waiting when you know you have no place to go even if one day it ever stopped  where you stood

Hey there Delilah
I’ve got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I’d write it all
Even more in love with me you’d fall
We’d have it all

I stare at that bench for thirty long minutes untill a single tear rolls down my cheek. Before I can wipe that off my face is hit by a silent waterfall. I never knew that something so lonely could look so pure, so innocent. Something standing still in mud and dirt would move my dying heart

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you’re to blame

But then, you know, it might just be these brown eyes….

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don’t you miss me
Two more years and you’ll be done with school 
And I’ll be making history like I do
You’ll know it’s all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here’s to you
This one’s for you

I dwell with a strangely aching heart , In that vanished abode there far apart, On that disused and forgotten road

Back to the cliffs. Let’s walk barefoot again. Yeah, come on. Kick the boots away, little more pain will not kill you. It will barely register, trust me. Hop up

The girl was naive, her eyes red with all the crying. Her dress dirty from lurking in the store all day long. I helped her up, brushed the dust off, kicked off my own flimsy slippers and led her to where I was last seen, down the rocky roads again, the last horizon

She was sobbing so hard, And I made no move to pacify her. Cry it all out, love, tears left inside will just turn into poison and when it reaches the heart, it might change you forever. Rocks and pebbles hit my feet but I barely felt them, she did, though. She flinched as they cut in from here and there. Her pain isn’t deep, I smiled at the thought. It could be distracted, maybe it was a pain that can be forgotten. Years afterwards it will grow old and wear off. I smiled again, as if I knew her pain, as if I had the right to judge her

I asked her to sit at the edge, dangle her legs down. I asked her to look at the rushing water. She saw it, her blurring eyes wandered about. I smiled again. She could see past her pain. She would heal. The wound wasn’t deep. But what if it was, what if she wasn’t seeing with her eyes, and all she saw was the pain that was so new and was so heavily pressing on her chest. What if.. what if…

There are many ways in front of you, my love. Walk away, run from the pain. Or stay and endure it. It will either kill you, make you stronger,or leave you half dead. At this point nothing I say will make sense, nothing I say will soothe you. You have to find a way to get past it yourself. I came here, years ago. Why? To make a decision. But I never had a choice. I fell into these waters, and now am a part of it. My body floated somewhere far away, some people buried it, with no rituals, with no prayers. Whether they bid my soul peace or not, I don’t know. I was too far away to hear

I held her hand, she flinched at the cold, but didn’t run. I looked in her red eyes and gave her a little smile.
She turned to look at me as I got up. Air roaring in my hair. Life will come, if you want to live it. Before I took a dive, I saw that horrified look in her eyes. She might be one of the very few who met the soul of the cliffs. They say she comes to those who are lost in pain. They say sometimes her voice can be heard with the roaring wind. She’s one of the stories lost and lonely places have about them. If a place is deserted by life, people try to fill it with ghosts, as if there aren’t many among them, as if death is only the demise of the body…

(Title: Frost’s Ghost House)

(I am so not satisfied with the story, but despite a month, I could not make any significant changes. sob)

The eyes told what heart felt

I saw it all; Everything raced past my eyes and I drank it. The green had all its shades and they all settled within me, settled within the dark brown of my eyes. I swear my eyes changed, changed to a colour even deep and even beautiful. Then the sun came out; draping all over the mountains. The gold came in my eyes too. A rich amalgam flecked my eyes. I did not close them. I saw it, I drank it

The journey,it ended. But the colour in my eyes, the colour in my heart remained. I watched the bland world with them. The cars the buildings. The rotting hearts the raging smoke. Before I knew.. something happened. My eyes became gray. A dull black colour replaced all that had changed in me once..

But then, oh, something would sting me. Some cruel word, some careless gesture. I would wait for the night. Then it would all break.Tears will come and eyes would burn. The gray would be washed away. The brown would have returned. The one I was born with. The one’s my father had..

But till then I will not look in the mirror. Till then I will mourn for the gold, I will yearn for the green. I’ll live with the gray,oh, I’ll wait for the tears…

 

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it’s those memories that give us the faith to go on

Night or early day, I know not. My eyes flew open as the stab settled in

No, Lord NO!

I knew the pain that would take over, starting from the shoulder blades down to the arm, now the ribs too. Clutching my teeth shut I sped to the kitchen. No, God, no. Popped the pills and drank enough water to push them down. Quick opened the fridge and filled the injection. No, please, don’t spread. There was no time, plunged the syringe into my arm and slid to the floor. The pain would go in half an hour now. Recede to a level that won’t get me screaming. If I was not already doing so. If I was not already wailing. Stifling the cries as the eyes leaked with salt water, sliding farther on the cold marble

Pathetic. It was pathetic. My body reeked of pity. I so wanted to cry in the real volume. Sob harder. I just wanted the pain to end. Just leave my body.. just leave my existence

Got up, came back. Sat at the edge of my bed. Face wet and arms sling. Chest hurt. I was crying for Dad. I wanted to go to him. Lord, I miss him. He was the only person who knew what was wrong with me. The only person who understood me. Sob shattered through my weak ribs and made me shiver. I hated shaking in despair and agony. And it was getting worse. The pain won’t stop. The arms won’t recover. Dad was gone. Buried under a pile of dirt. Just like I would be. Soon

How long is ‘soon’? Four years? Five years? 10? 12? Tomorrow? This night? How long have I got? What difference will it make? Will anyone’s world shatter, just for a second. For a second will there be that realization that she..she’s gone? What will mom do without me? Others can live. Oh it has been proved…once..twice..thrice..four times. Lives don’t stop. I don’t want them to. It’s just that feeling when the world isn’t the same anymore.

I pull on my cardigan. Slide into my tight trousers. My forehead is slick and wet of the wave of pain that just receded. Mom’s asleep in her room. I wear my glasses and start digging into my drawers, until I find a shattered frame and a torn picture of..of my family. Broken ages ago. I see him looking at me as if I was just about to fall. As if he would catch me if slip from mom’s arm.

I’ve fallen dad. Once, twice, thrice.. four times

Slowly the medication takes over as I sway. Remove my glasses and fall over my bed. I see faces of everyone I have ever cared for in my life. The images blur my mind and the words crash in my brain again. It is silly how everything seems right and then everything is wrong. The world seems dull when the insides are gray. As my insides pain, everything around me is thorns. I feel Dad’s warmth as I fall through numbness

And If I have ever loved anyone. I have loved you. In so many smiles. In so many tears. In all this pain. And through all my fears..

And all I loved, I loved alone

And so hollow does it feel. With every breath I intake I can feel my deserted insides. As if someone carved out the contents, leaving me void and vulnerable. Yes, it felt like that. I could feel the wooden shavings lying around me, chipped off from a wooden body, undoubtedly my own, so painfully my own….I might have been like this for a long time, guess I never realized it. Till the straw escaped from an unknown hole and the puppet sagged to the ground. No termite could do such meritorious a job. It was work of a human. It was no Cedar borer, nor some tanbark beetle. For it was no firewood or cedar. It was a human hollowed and it was a human artisan

I want to catch a train and move away. I want to catch a plane and fly away. I want to dig a hole and vanish away.. I want to melt away. Evaporate in front of these very trees, disappear in front of this very bench. Dissolved. Dispersed. Who am I? Care knowing? It is someone lost in the crowd ages ago, someone sitting on this wooden bench, facing the rising sun as if the yellow rays will enlighten his dark life and dying soul. As if the morning air would put some life into his faltering heart beats. As if some magic will happen. Yes. I am sitting in this deserted park, and this beautiful scene will do me no good, bring me no happiness, save me no memory to cherish, I am blind to everything but my pain, my sorrow and my agony

I breathe in the autumn air, shove off the yellow leaves fallen in my lap and get up. Reach into my pocket and take out my phone. Clinging to relations that no longer stay, places that no longer exist and feelings that no longer remain, will bring none of us any good. It takes a lot of courage to cut the strings. And I’ll save her the pain.

For maybe I was the one who loved, now I will be the one to walk away…

(Title: From Poe’s poem ‘Alone’)

Letter One: Claire writes

Okay, This is really strange

I know you asked me to write letters since your stupid boarding house does not let you use internet for communication. What sick rule is that and what sick place is it! And you are not supposed to have cellphones, what are you training to be, a nun? Come on man you have no idea I had to go to the store to buy this “super-hero” letter pad. Well, kind of cool yes but this sounds so STUPID. This is the third time I am writing I just trashed two beautiful pages (The letter-pad is kinda expensive ok) 

Al-right, as far as I remember letter writing, we start with asking about person’s health, right? Hey Andrew how are you? I hope you had really bad food accompanied by really bad bowel movements. Yeah that’s right. I am not concerned. As for my health.. you are so surely not concerned either.. So I am not wasting my pen (I bought it at the stationery store around the corner, man can you believe I got such cool batman sticker with it! I pasted it on my pc, yes that’s right, you are so jealous :D)

Ok now you are smiling or yawning if you are reading it for the second time. I am really bored over here. Just.. so bored. I should have made more friends before you left for your stupid training. I mean, it is so idiotically vacant and distressing to check my phone and read a couple of texts from the crazy blood sucking phone company. I am just going on and on right? Huh well, this is my first time writing a letter you know (and probably your first time reading it)

Well. I wrote a really nice poem but somehow it got deleted and I can’t write the same thing again. It is so lonely I mean huh. I really have nothing to say I am just missing you. I mean yeah right I am,shut up. Will you write me back soon? This is so romantic lol (I still care for this expression) but of course, I am not interested =P

So I guess. Well, I mean. Everybody misunderstands me here. The difference is now I care because I am alone. They think I am just a stupid old cheat and I care what they think because these are stupid people I have to hang out with. Even my room-mate called me a freak last night. I cried all night you have no idea. She thought I left for the auditorium without her on purpose so that she misses all that while I was already in there when the whole briefing started and I couldn’t leave because Professor was standing by the door and well I wouldn’t get a seat of I left and came back..

I don’t care. I know I have a friend who is somewhere in the world who understands me no matter what. I am right, right? Gosh.. I didn’t wanna sound like a cry baby alright that’s it write back soon, I hate you, oh I so deeply do.

WAIT. There are a few questions I wanted to ask before but got caught: How’s food? How’s your room? Made new friends? What is the training like? What are the professors like? Having fun? Are there mosquitoes and flies?

Love, Bbye :)

Claire

P.s I love the concept of P.s and I have thought of many cool P.s’ but still can’t come up with one. Still *keep your fingers crossed*