Hang on, in my last post, did I say I am glad I got sick?
I so bloody take that back
There is light; yes. I have spent two days in the hall, lying on the sofa because I am too sick to move around. Watching movies and reading books to pass the time from dawn till dusk. I am glad I got sick. I am glad I read so much and saw such great stuff.
You know, there is darkness all around the world, oh yes. You read the paper, you watch the tv. You go around in public..You see people backstabbing each other, you see people shooting and killing. You see blood. You see pain. Sometimes I feel the Earth crying beneath me. When I see the red skies I feel that scare tearing through my heart…
But that is the thing about the wrong, that is the thing about it being so prevalent. You know what… the darkness spreads around. It masks all that is beneath. It can manipulate, it can divide. It can scare and it can change things that took ages to build. It can shake the foundations. Yes, hatred can, deceit can, betrayal can, that gunshot that sucks the life out of you..that can
But you know the thing about light…you know the thing about hope…you know the thing about the good…. It is far greater than all the things that tend to destroy the soul in us. And it is its greatness that makes it so hard to achieve. Because to have it, you have to want it and be worthy of it. Don’t tell me the world is a rotting rat. Don’t tell me the world created is a sheer fallacy, don’t tell me God looks at this planet and sighs at His creation. No. No. No. There is so much light in the hearts. The light that is holding this world together. Let it be your smile, let it be mine. It is there. Something much more beautiful, something that surpasses all the sins and the eclipse you see
I am not being blindly optimistic. They shit in the world. They do things in the universe that are unimaginable and unforgivable. Who knows what hell fell on you, who knows what a blessed life I live. But if We all are given a choice to suffer each others pain.. we will all choose what we have and be on our way
Everything seems to be a secret, every game fixed before it is played, every person deceitful and every gesture fake and superfluous. I am not saying these things don’t exist.. I am not saying world is a very much better place to leave in. But you know what. This is the only place we have. You live once. Nobody stays forever. What if you cannot go out and change the world, what if circumstances cripple you to do so. I wanna go in my coffin knowing that the life I lived, no matter how much tainted it was, no matter what I saw and suffered of, if ever did, that I built something in me. I had that light in my heart. I made myself into someone worth being. I don’t wanna hand my soul away because it died way before it left my body. If my death brought one true tear in someone’s eye, or if my life brought anything good to somebody..
I would have lived it all
But then of course…There could be more to it =)
This is my letter to the world,
That never wrote to me,–
The simple news that Nature told,
With tender majesty.
Her message is committed
To hands I cannot see;
For love of her, sweet countrymen,
Judge tenderly of me!
“To my heart’s core, I feel sick. Sick and tired and worn out. Enough is so darned enough.
When I look at myself and say or state, I never assume that what I am saying is true for everyone or what I am saying is a pure FACT, why? Because I know my heart and I don’t know anyone else’s. I don’t know what stages or circumstances the other person goes through. For stuff I always give MYSELF justifications. But I am sick of that. Sick of cutting myself open for people who will do nothing more than cut more. I am tired. I am half-crazed keeping my damn mouth shut. Sick of letting everyone have their way. You don’t trust me? You don’t like me? You think I am a liar a fool a cheat a player or other terms you so frequently and tonelessly use. Leave me alone. I am not gonna sit here let you say all that or I am not going to prove myself. I am purple. I don’t exist
But, if for a second you thought of knowing me, rather than making up baseless assumptions as per your life experiences. YOU NEVER MET SOMEONE QUITE LIKE ME. And I swear that you won’t. And what did you do? Make me a victim of indirect accusations? You know who I am? I am a kid who is barely of age. I am a kid that met so many liars and cheats than putting your thirty years together I am a kid who watched her dad die right in front of her bloody eyes in that bloody ccu I am the kid who’s gonna die of cancer in just a couple of years to come AND STILL YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME?
Hear me, oh stranger. I too possess a half-healed soul. I too die every night and still wake up every morning. I am a kid who never quite understood how to play games. For a second there, when I met you, I thought I found a friend. But you smashed me with the perceptions that my soul never tasted. Just because you know my name doesn’t mean you know my life! I am as pure as that wind that talks to me every morning. Hate me if you may, leave me if you may, don’t mistake me, don’t accuse me. I am not asking you back. I never had anyone from the beginning and oh stranger, I have long been standing far from the maddening crowd.
Now I walk away“
(Stanza from Emily Dickinson)