Ode to Idiots

This post is full of shameless self praise and big-headedness,with a score of judgement on every living soul I have met. Those who take offense easy,
You’ve been warned.

people people

I am creature of impulse, not of calculation. There was once a time I regretted it, but now I don’t. When I was very young I used to think everyone around me had a better understanding of life, that they knew things I would never understand; because they had wholesome families, they lived in big houses and they drove in cars while I came from a broken home and had to travel for hours in a smelly van to get to my school.That somehow their brains were sharper than mine and their thinking much clearer and open. And by this I placed some sort of an invisible responsibility on them. That they were ‘supposed’ to give a crap about my existence and they were ‘supposed’ to understand what I was going through. There in was the birth of my resentment and deep dissatisfaction.

And school went on, and college went on. I got into med school. Same problem. I would ‘expect’ them to understand. I would ‘expect’ them to care. I would resent them if they didn’t. And most often, they didn’t. (why would they? Duh). And I always thought that it was the same thing, that I just didn’t knew any better. I made mistakes because I was lacking the typical upbringing they had.

Boy, was I wrong.

Because, man, are people dumb, deaf and blind!

They walk around as if they are the only human beings on earth, I s them talking such bullcrap that it made my eyes water with anger. Oh, I had an anger phase too. But then, I started to really look at them, really see what their patterns were and that’s when I saw a whole new kind of…dumb.

I am not an advocate of selflessness and the delusion of altruism. I was, but I no longer am. I think thinking and caring about others is a wonderful deed. It brings me great happiness too. But the idea of sacrifice is way too distorted and overrated to be held that high. I would never want my pleasure to be the cause to someone else’s pain (Ayn Rand would put it differently), but I digress.

So, I saw the very friends of mine making the same mistakes over and over. I saw them running from confrontation, keeping things in their hearts, building resentments, taking the wrong way to deal with a situation that could be dealt with so straightforwardly, lying, hiding, hurting, hating, crying, fighting their many problems, some letting the grief bury them, some putting a brave face all the time, loving those who hurt them, hurting those who had been there for them for an eternity.

They all turned out to be..so normal.

There was nothing special or different about them. They knew nothing better. Their privileges had not given them an understanding of someone else’s lacking (?). They would give the same advice I read in a magazine or watched in a movie. Their problems weren’t that different. They said or did nothing that I hadn’t seen or done before. They were just people, lost in their own worlds, trying to make it out alive. People. Just People. Ordinary. Beautiful. Tragic…people…

They didn’t know any better then, they don’t know any better now. I lost all my resentment the day I understood that. Before, I tried to be good because that was what I was taught. Because that was what I was ‘supposed’ to do.

Now I do it because I know that I know better

Try me.

hands-with-plant save

It’s just the strangest thing, I’ve seen your face somewhere…

poker face

I am tired to my bones running into the same kind of people every day and every night. Wherever I turn, I see the same faces, same pointless drivel flowing from their lips and it makes my stomach turn. I see them reading the same worthless books, quoting the same quotes, wearing the same expressions and saying the same things. And this afternoon I wanted to jump from the bus

Lord I don’t know where to turn to. I am going to be buried in work soon and the very idea of the workload is getting me into fits of panic..but I’ll get through it, like I always have. Whether this is the actual issue or whether something else is going on inside me.. I do not know. But the very idea of the plain brain washed puppets I live amongst.. it just makes me angry. I always have believed everyone is different, unique, that they all have their own wars to fight, own battles to win and plenty of fears to conquer..but give me something now. I have never called people around me any names. Never judged them, never expected anything, never really saw them. But when I try.. I don’t like what I see..

It has become so repetitive that it enrages the hell out of me. Same deceits, same devotion. same ideals, same rationalizations. This city that city. All the shows saying marriage stinks and divorce is inevitable, all the books saying religion is a false cover for horrors we bind ourselves in, parents demanding respect, teachers claiming it as their right, patients cursing doctors, doctors cursing patients, same menu in the hostel mess for four years, riding the same bus, looking at the same people..loving and cheating and hating and lying…

I’ve taken breaks. From God, from friends, from books, from tv, from internet..once, twice..so many times. They all return and they all make me toss my lunch. Give me something ! Give me something that’ll make me turn towards you and see your face and know that I haven’t seen you before, in all those crowds and in all those cities. Show me something I haven’t seen before, tell me something I haven’t heard yet. Amaze me. Make me fall in love. Make me coil in hatred.

Do something..

tired sticky note

 

(Title: ‘Do You Know Me by John Mayer)

Here’s to My 2nd crossword puzzle, and more !

crossword

When I get crazy.. I get crazy. I go after one thing like a freaking bull and I don’t give up until I am all burned out. I mean it’s with everything, a new hairstyle, a new pen, a new colour, a new dress, a new jacket, a new book series, new flavour of something I eat, even a new friend. Even an old friend breathing goodbye. I’ll go the last extent to do something that enters my head and I will do it. The sad point is nothing productive ever does, I mean if I had the same thing with studies I would’ve been a freaking genius, but no.. that’s the territory of brother procrastination. Mahalo  =D

So I was off to an old bookstore with a couple of friends the other day. I had been saving up for a while but well.. they didn’t have the Iris Murdoch set so I was really really bummed out, I had read most of the classics and the rest I won’t read. So as I was coming out of the last store, my toe screaming because my cowboy boots can be pretty stiff on that edge when I saw a worn out book lying in the corner, the big yellowing thing with CROSSWORD PUZZLES written on it. Now I stood in the alley and pondered..

Doing crosswords ain’t my thing. I do Sudoku, love code crackers, anagrams, mathematical brain teasers but I totally skip over the crossword part of the newspaper. It just ain’t my thing, it has never been, But I took a chance, while my friends were off a few yards I ran back (with my toe screaming obscenities) and purchased the book. I know the store owner ripped me way off since he had seen that devilish spark and frenzy I get into my eyes sometimes. He knew I’d buy it no matter what. Damn =/

But yo! It was mad the next day. Only Sidney and Kate were there rest everyone was home for the holidays and Kate had been on a slumber strike for 18 hours and wouldn’t wake up, So I and Sidney just went crazy and by the time we were screaming and high-fiving at the end of our first solved puzzle.. as Sidney puts it, our brains had dissolved and as I put it, the part left was being pecked at by crows

 

SO the next day Sidney wouldn’t do another puzzle with me, said she had enough last night and her brain was still recovering, the stubborn ass I am, I went into my room, heat wasn’t working so my hands were frozen, I wrapped myself up in a big blanket and completed another puzzle within two hours

Well I cheated too but well.. chalta he =D

Happy.

AYE !

HAPY AYE