Thoughts and popcron

I just bunked physiology. I am so tired. We have a trip tomorrow and by 30the June we go back home and to my utter annoyance Stance’s (my friend) session ends on 10th June leaving him three months of utter and complete bliss whereas I do not have that liberty in like a zillion years…

So. Last night I was sitting in the front yard of the hostel. On a chair. With popcorn. And thinking. It was almost like watching a movie as I sat and ate and enjoyed myself. What did I think about? Oh. bunch of stuff, the walk I take everyday by myself to the bus, the movie I watched in the afternoon, mom, dad, my uncle who just  had a stroke which led to paralysis. He’s recovering like anything but the moment I heard it I felt my lungs collapse and the feeling of losing him just knocked me out. We’ve kind of shifted temporarily in Uncle’s huge mansion like place and well.. one thing about uncle’s place is you are never alone.. and they kind of love the person I am. No amendments. No changes. Just the crazy person who eats macaroni like a hungry wolf. And never cleans the dishes afterwards. Lol. See that’s love. That’s family. You don’t give up. You never give up on family.

Well… I went on. Thought and thought. Then I ran out of popcorn. And lost the train of thought. I have nothing more to say… It might take me another century to write some sense again

But then.. when did I ever do that?

Love,

Haibar

 

 

Just a quick update, as I head home

I better hurry as I have ten minutes to make the next class

Passed Physiology in flying colours. That is one subject I seldom drop a question in. Passed the anatomy stage. Biochem viva went very queer as the examiner was more interested in my family background and hobbies than the fact that I dropped four questions out of eight. Just gave anatomy viva. My report card is marked with just one number… I always get the same average marks there. Come see my physiology card and suck on it

I pretty much hate everyone I meet now. Selfishness makes me vomit and there’s nothing more I can do about it but to keep away

My blog reached 60k… ain’t that something?

All for now

Love

Haibar

Everyday.. every moment

Hey… Hello again. What am I doing? Sitting in the computer lab because I finished with my disaster of a viva early and I am just so bored

So… wassup with me now a days? Nobody bothers to know what’s going on with you. We are too sickly selfish for that =P But my blog my space my thoughts.. Yeah

I am just… simply the same. I have a new bunch of room mates now.. and frankly speaking I am just…okay… I am trying to work over my various ‘instabilities’ and am trying to understand every soul I know. Just tweaking their psychology. Trying to read their aura.. jeez I can never see auras… Real or not real I just so wanna know what colours people possess..

I have always been a sort of..away and separate person. Just like my sister who would never have her friend sit with another classmate because she never wanted to lose even a part of her. But that was a great friendship. I used to envy her friend. I love her. She was great. My Baji was one bright light that made me see so much. Then that light went out. And I hate it now.

You know what.. the right time to judge someone is when they don’t have to depend on you. When they are not alone. When they have a crowd who loves them yet they look back, tug your arm and yank you out in the party. Because nobody else matters as you do. That is when you know that, yes, the person…cares. When I have you and all you have is me… it’s just survival. Nothing more nothing less. If we stand back and cherish all the greater things that happened, many more smiles will come. And I need happiness to spread. I need that energy, but pure and innocent. Like running behind the clothes that tend to fly away from the line in strong wind. That feeling of running to bring a friend under the umbrella because oh, it’s raining

The thing about hearts is, that they change. But change is a part of life. Maybe heart needs that

But why doesn’t mine…

Let’s say take a break from the day and get back to the old garage

Because life’s too short anyway
But at least it’s better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we’ve got a lot to go around
I’ll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you

I truly have not a single word to say. Not a single story I want to post. Not a single incident I want to relate nor a single joke to make my room laugh. My brain is blank and my limbs are tired. I can sleep all day. I can sleep all night. And the following day, and the following night

And I am not complaining. Sometimes its good to act normal, just like everyone who had a viva demonstration today. The brain can only take as much formalin from the Dissection hall

&%$^@!+

 

(Lyrics and title: Song by Jason Mraz, it’s so close ter my heart that I cannot literally tell about it anymore. Go find yourself =P)

Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness. And they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy… or they become legend

Oh Lord, I can finally feel it. The orchestra brought it out in me. I wanna cover my face and smile into them. I can feel the bubble forming in my heart, Golden but reflecting all the colours I ever possessed. Oh I feel it. The happiness covering from head to toe. That smile forming on my face. That light sparkling my eyes.

There is so much love in my heart that I can let it flow out into the world around me. Happiness makes me what I am, It is the extreme emotions that lift me up so high. I can feel the warmth stretching out from my heart, reaching my fingers and toes. Oh all the emotions hiding in me all these days are making my cheeks pink

Me myself am the reason of my happiness. That makes all the difference. Love actually is around us. It’s just the light in the heart and the sparkle in the eyes. World is all what we see. And I see it so beautiful

I see it, right here.

(Title: Quote by Jim Harrison)

Thoughts and a Song

Wednesday. 23rd. Gulp. Two days to the interview… perhaps to my departure. Perhaps is the keyword here aye. So hold your glee =P

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
 

I have taken five to six books out from my library to take with me. Nothing in particular but I did put the Book of Awesome. Just to cheer me up occasionally. It’s a great book. Makes me laugh. Jee, it’s gonna be strange for me. I have lived, as yet, in six homes. My family is my home you know. In Abu Dubai (where I was born), in Dubai, In Alain, bred mostly in Sharjah then back to my own country first the village then the city. Now back to village. And now to a whole new city, thrice the size of my town and four times as crowded. And away from home for the first time. Home meaning family. It’s a new life, as my friend puts it, we take a fresh start now

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away
 

I mean. Yes.. It’s. There, a new life.I am not breaking away from here am I? .I am very bad at cutting off. Cutting the strings have been the hardest things ever to me. I can pretend; I can brain wash myself. Give myself justifications. But never I can I give up. There is that voice in my brain. There is that echo in my room. There are those walls and doors. There is that solitude. That darkness. Those smiles. Those tears. They break me up, tear me down. But then give me a hand to build a strong soul. Penetrate stuff you cannot imagine knowing. But I know how to block them all. Lord I sometimes hate the control I have over myself.. My brain helps me in every crazy thing I want to do. Or want to shun myself doing it forever. But there is so much these eyes won’t be able to see. Oh Lord.. how the clock ticks away..

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
 

Run away, Run away. Been doing that my whole life. That is why now when I confront stuff it alters me in a way that cannot be undone. I have done so many crazy things in my childhood and teens. Now I turn into an adult at such a right time. Wow. Such perfect timing Allah… you must have a whole separate directory on me. And well, everyone =P

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
 

One of the many things I like about me. I can joke in every situation. No matter how much my heart bleeds. Its ok. This is life. I had my share of love and joy. One great part is over. One greater awaits. But these are crossroads. People I met here, met me at the crossroads. They don’t know what I was like before. They will not know what I am going to be. If they want to travel with me, aye I am a great companion. If you wanna leave me here. Farewell, if we meet again, there will be a smile and a handshake. Like the one I give you now =)

Btw, Here’s my card =D

I’ll spread my wings
And I’ll learn how to fly
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

It’s just one of those feelings I have..

I cannot put emotions into words until I don’t feel them, I cannot smile when the happiness is shallow, tears don’t fall unless pain penetrates and the turmoil doesn’t shred till the soul is bared… ah.. not till the soul is bared

You see me now, dressed in purple and black. Two very conflicting colours with different essence clad on a body attuned to only one colour. How I wish I could wear something rich brown, just to ease the tension. Let the vibrations out and in suitably. Let me really feel what I am feeling. Just let me feel what is mine..

I am lapsing into the state of nothingness, and no feelings penetrate as I sit in bright sun, the warmth should reach my heart but no it is only burning my back. My hands are on fire. And I see the colours conflicting on my lap. Purple, black, golden.

My nerves stretch taut as I sit. Sit and feel nothing. This is not me. This cannot be me. Is there too much happiness? Is there too much tension? Is the nervousness tearing me apart?

How long can I sit, thinking on this state of mine, I do not know. There is wind. There is company. I want to whisper so she carries my voice away to someone who can hear it. Who can respond back. I want to blow away with the northern winds. I want to see where they can take me. How far can they take me.. How long till they disappear and I am lost..in sands, in water.. I don’t know..

I am just a normal person. My thoughts maybe a little out of the ordinary. But that is the 1% of my DNA separating me from the common 99 we all share.

Just these thoughts, nothing else =)

Back again

Lord, I don’t remember last time I felt like this, feeling as if there was vomit stuck in my throat and my stomach churning and my eyes burning. Wanting to blow a hole in my head and drain its contents. And then let the winds cool my blood and the rain wash me away..

A spitfire, angry and busty as hell. I know, it is one of those times when I am trying so hard not to feel scared and hurt, Feeling pain penetrate my heart and still denying its very presence. Tired of denying my feelings. I am so tired of denying my own feelings.

I’ll just lean back on my maroon chair and close my eyes, begging my insides to let me cry. There is no hatred, there is no love. There is no feeling. All I feel is the pain I am gonna deny, the broken dream I am gonna forget, the arms in agony and the heart that beats so slowly.

It’s the heart that beats so slowly…

I glued the broken mirror

It’s us. It’s me. We all have a whole world situated in us or maybe our world is us ourselves. It’s too ironic, it’s too strange, too captivating. The variety of emotions we possess. The amount of them we let free. The persona we develop. And the.. the destiny

What am I? What do I really know? What percentage of life and destiny do I really understand? What part do you understand? Why do I even ponder on it? Why do we all? What’s the true meaning and reason of our actions? How much do they affect us and the people around us? Why what’s the problem with me…

It’s a mess. We all make so many mistakes and the losses stay with many of us. And we all live in future; whether it is the Sapien nature or what but it is always the future. We live for future. I do. Every second I live in pain I say there will be a better tomorrow. With every person backstabbing me I still trust that someone someday truly won’t. With every fake relation, I trust in another to prove me wrong that one day ONE DAY I will be paid off. One day the circle of life will be completed. I can’t really hope but why don’t I just stop wishing.. Why don’t I? Why don’t so many people I know. I feel like a mad person telling others to hope and trust and blablablablah. When deep down I wanna scream unto their faces. IF IT HASN’T HAPPENED, TRUST ME IT WON’T

I have a distant friend whose dad left her mom and married some psycho damsel in distress. She told me everything yet I was then a masked stranger, She said what every reeking person says to me, “You understand, As if you knew the pain” No dude I never did. Overtime she used to say that one day, one day, her dad will come back to her mom. But.. no.. if once you lose someone… Buddy you lose them forever… I wish I could see straight in her eyes and tell her so. Tell her to.. move on. The future she’s awaiting will never be like the one she dreams. It seldom is. You have to be very lucky for that…. and are we really so?

Me? I’m losing hope. No more search for love. If it’s there. It will find me. If not.. I think I pretty much have learned how to survive…

What a great liar have I become….

.Dated: 15 Oct 2011

“Love heeds not caste nor sleep a broken bed, I went in search of love, and lost myself”

…….@October, wrote ages ago

Well. Things effect. They have been affecting. They do effect. And they will be affecting us. No matter how much we run, what justifications we give ourselves, confront them, face them, let them go, let them be, change evolve modify amend.. They will and they shall, affect.

How.. ironic. How hypocritical.. When I just state something as if it is a concrete fact. As if we know what’s going on, what has been happening to us and what might, possibly,happen. I feel guilty even saying stuff like this…

Here I am. Once again. Sitting in my room. Fighting off pains and worries that pin me down. Am I hurt? No. Am I in pain? No. In distress? Turmoil? No no. Not even happiness. Not even satisfaction and content. A state of utter and complete… surrender.

It is not a war I wage. It is not some big thing I wanna achieve. It’s just.. I have let my hair down. They are free and wild over my shoulders. I don’t care if my haircut sucks. I don’t care of they say I look good. I know that I don’t know what the hell is happening and where the hell am I now. What journey awaits. How many people to lose. I don’t know. I just. don’t.

I already lost half of what I had in my mind. I wrote a return letter to some character that only exists in my mind (will post soon) and I cooked some tales of two and failed writing a sijo and acrostic and retrieved a box from my hidden cupboard that says ‘Weird things’ and added a small blue button I found under my pillow. Did a few Sudoku. All because lights were out for an hour and I had no choice but to hear Mom say what a pathetic daughter I turn out to be sometimes. I am talking crap now.

Well. I have nothing to say, I have nothing to explain I am standing in a position of to be or not to be. It feels as if stuff is hanging by a thin silk thread and snap I have no idea what might happen. I have dark circles under my eyes because of severe lack of sleep at night. Why? I have a cup of strong tea every night at 11 and who the hell can sleep after that dark muck.

For the first time in my life I am not that eager to read a book or watch a movie or think hard at something. As I walk in my house, I feel so ordinary. A part of me snapped last week, and I have no darned wish to retrieve it. Learned the art of letting go the hard way. Now it has just become a habit. I just have to wait for night so insomnia crawls up and I am forced to really spilt apart

Or I’d better just vomit

(Title: Hindi proverb in ‘Twenty One Tales’ Rudyard Kipling)