It’s a muddled up head I have up here

If you deny or ignore something for so long it starts to feel true and gets incorporated in yourself. Just start pushing all them limits and your mind will start making excuses for you. We all justify doing what we do and then time comes..we don’t even need that call from the inside

And I’m tired and angry and tired. There are not many things left in the world that I care about and that scares me. I don’t care if my grades go down, I don’t care if my dress is stained, I don’t care if I look like an idiot in these trousers. I don’t care if there is stuff going on in college, at my place, back in my home. If I have friends if I don’t. It just doesn’t matter. I get up. Go around the world. Come back. Stair at the walls. Yada yada yada

What I do is, I don’t talk about what’s bothering me. I don’t write about what’s bothering me. And couple of days ago.. I blew at something some friend did. It crossed the limits of my tolerance. And I was at loss. Talk to whom? I didn’t wanna talk to anyone closer. I can’t. I called up my neighbour four years back and I blew up on the phone.

And all I know is lets just.. get up and go on. It doesn’t matter what I do or what I become. Being virtual is a cross I have to bear.

Afterall it was my choice

The book theif

 

 

Good old Stephanie

You guys remember Stephanie? My lovely old neighbor… I am sitting in her brand new home and brand new elite class bedroom and she is pouring herself in me.. all the good old stuff.. her new friends and everything.. I really miss her.. Today I miss everything

And I am not going to pretend I am happy. Last few days I have been doing that. Literally.. you know… trying to keep my nose in my studies.. Ignoring the pains in my arm that well.. are getting worse day by day… I dunno what’s happening I don’t care..

I know it is of no use to post this rattle in-front of faceless strangers, I am perfectly capable of living my life on my own.. without..people. You know.. My life is such a mathematical formula.. a stupid equation.. I have known this thing for so long, I just don’t know why but there are always a fixed number of people who can be closer to me, I try to tamper with that number.. something happens. Something always happens..

Maybe none of this is real.. Yeah.. nothing I say will make any difference.

I am going to have pizza now. I don’t feel like talking to anyone.

Never did I give up on fate like this