It’s just the strangest thing, I’ve seen your face somewhere…

poker face

I am tired to my bones running into the same kind of people every day and every night. Wherever I turn, I see the same faces, same pointless drivel flowing from their lips and it makes my stomach turn. I see them reading the same worthless books, quoting the same quotes, wearing the same expressions and saying the same things. And this afternoon I wanted to jump from the bus

Lord I don’t know where to turn to. I am going to be buried in work soon and the very idea of the workload is getting me into fits of panic..but I’ll get through it, like I always have. Whether this is the actual issue or whether something else is going on inside me.. I do not know. But the very idea of the plain brain washed puppets I live amongst.. it just makes me angry. I always have believed everyone is different, unique, that they all have their own wars to fight, own battles to win and plenty of fears to conquer..but give me something now. I have never called people around me any names. Never judged them, never expected anything, never really saw them. But when I try.. I don’t like what I see..

It has become so repetitive that it enrages the hell out of me. Same deceits, same devotion. same ideals, same rationalizations. This city that city. All the shows saying marriage stinks and divorce is inevitable, all the books saying religion is a false cover for horrors we bind ourselves in, parents demanding respect, teachers claiming it as their right, patients cursing doctors, doctors cursing patients, same menu in the hostel mess for four years, riding the same bus, looking at the same people..loving and cheating and hating and lying…

I’ve taken breaks. From God, from friends, from books, from tv, from internet..once, twice..so many times. They all return and they all make me toss my lunch. Give me something ! Give me something that’ll make me turn towards you and see your face and know that I haven’t seen you before, in all those crowds and in all those cities. Show me something I haven’t seen before, tell me something I haven’t heard yet. Amaze me. Make me fall in love. Make me coil in hatred.

Do something..

tired sticky note

 

(Title: ‘Do You Know Me by John Mayer)

Here’s to My 2nd crossword puzzle, and more !

crossword

When I get crazy.. I get crazy. I go after one thing like a freaking bull and I don’t give up until I am all burned out. I mean it’s with everything, a new hairstyle, a new pen, a new colour, a new dress, a new jacket, a new book series, new flavour of something I eat, even a new friend. Even an old friend breathing goodbye. I’ll go the last extent to do something that enters my head and I will do it. The sad point is nothing productive ever does, I mean if I had the same thing with studies I would’ve been a freaking genius, but no.. that’s the territory of brother procrastination. Mahalo  =D

So I was off to an old bookstore with a couple of friends the other day. I had been saving up for a while but well.. they didn’t have the Iris Murdoch set so I was really really bummed out, I had read most of the classics and the rest I won’t read. So as I was coming out of the last store, my toe screaming because my cowboy boots can be pretty stiff on that edge when I saw a worn out book lying in the corner, the big yellowing thing with CROSSWORD PUZZLES written on it. Now I stood in the alley and pondered..

Doing crosswords ain’t my thing. I do Sudoku, love code crackers, anagrams, mathematical brain teasers but I totally skip over the crossword part of the newspaper. It just ain’t my thing, it has never been, But I took a chance, while my friends were off a few yards I ran back (with my toe screaming obscenities) and purchased the book. I know the store owner ripped me way off since he had seen that devilish spark and frenzy I get into my eyes sometimes. He knew I’d buy it no matter what. Damn =/

But yo! It was mad the next day. Only Sidney and Kate were there rest everyone was home for the holidays and Kate had been on a slumber strike for 18 hours and wouldn’t wake up, So I and Sidney just went crazy and by the time we were screaming and high-fiving at the end of our first solved puzzle.. as Sidney puts it, our brains had dissolved and as I put it, the part left was being pecked at by crows

 

SO the next day Sidney wouldn’t do another puzzle with me, said she had enough last night and her brain was still recovering, the stubborn ass I am, I went into my room, heat wasn’t working so my hands were frozen, I wrapped myself up in a big blanket and completed another puzzle within two hours

Well I cheated too but well.. chalta he =D

Happy.

AYE !

HAPY AYE

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

flower to hold

It’s been a beautiful cloudy day. I like clouds. I like rain. I like winds. I like the sweet sunshine that follows. I love doing what I do, hanging out with a bunch of people, college, home, mom.. I sit down on the steps and I can hear everyone moving around and it feels..so..ordinary.. It feels as if you are shrouded by a mist, hidden and away and deep down.. maybe you like it even.. or maybe you don’t, I am not sure anymore..

It’s just a big world and I am so tired.. Being an HSP is shit.. I laugh all day I write all sober and sad and all my friends think there are like two weird sides to me. Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Madonna…

Puff. I am going ter bed

 

 

If only killing a certain people was legal, I would’ve been dead a long time ago

I don’t even know whether I’ll be able to finish typing this up or not. Every bone and every muscle of my body is aching aching aching like GAH

Yeah that’s right. I got a room on the second floor and the shifting left me half dead

Every year it is the same damm thing until my 3rd or 4th year of medicine when they finally give us room worth living

Walking up and down the stairs have left me half dead and I today I gave the worst viva of my LIFE.

I hate everything right now

E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g believe me.

need-coffee

Thoughts and a tired mind

Exhausted after studying. 2 am in the morning. Tired but can’t sleep.

It is well, so true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. With every experience you mature, every blow turns out some unknown part and makes you much harder. It’s as if you change after every piece of test life puts infront you.

And what do I feel after it all..

Older..

It feels as if I have aged tens of years. I look at things which such a sober perspective. Looking at someone and something I would go all been there, been there a long while agoOlder diary entries seem so juvenile and…so stupid. Worrying over small things. Fussing over the worthless… Making foolish plans, having so many dreams..

You know..sometimes you take your dreams and hand them over to someone. Thinking they would cherish it too. Just as if you pull a piece from your heart and so foolishly put it in someone’s hand. And they don’t know what a great thing they’ve got. They don’t know how long and how close have you held it. All these times you were just looking at their hands that held the dream you gave them. One distraction, one foolish jerk and they let it fall. And let it crash. In a million little pieces. In a million little shards

Why blame them.. they aren’t supposed to know you.. At the end of the day it is your fault, for you separated it from you, hoping it would live and let it lie with… strangers..

Now that a dream is broken.. let’s cry. Tear ourself away and go away from this world for a while. But sober up on this loss real soon, for the time flies away.. and the world is full of dreams. Let’s find a new one. A new reason to live again

Let’s go out and find a new dream, Just the two of us =)

Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made

 

Alright, I went. Had a classic session at the medical college. The people who did my medical aka interview were the nicest doctors I might ever meet. The surgery section, where my medical booklet was to be finally signed, had such a warm doctor and well. There you go. I am Officially a student of a Government Medical College

Now I leave on Sunday. If not, then definitely on Monday. Plus, my tummy has been hurting for two days. And as a result meat has been banned from my house, I never eat stuff again if it causes me a prolonged pain. Given that it is not junk food you know.. =D

Today I am going to, by the Grace of God, pack my stuff away. Probably visit my doctor too. Call my Uncle and Aunts. Sulk. Imma sulk the whole day

For me sulking is keeping my mouth shut and face absolutely expressionless. Why sulking? Yawn, I am so tired I need to restore my energy levels and 90% of my energy goes to my weird expression making and talking.   And mind you, sleeping for about 9 hours hasn’t helped me yet…

I wrote so much in my mind yesterday, But I do not have the energy to post that all travel journal and extended metaphors. It has been a while I wrote a short story too btw..

I think I’ll complete The Vampire Lestat today.

Love

Haibar

(Title: From Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar )

Starting from my table.. Straight into my Brain

I really have to write something down, given that either my friends are asleep, or way too tensed. Why? Yeah let’s write leave that

I love scene descriptions. I love watching things as they are and explaining them with a somewhat sober manner..Then entering into some state of mind. And I am not commenting on my Adjectives; Never been a great grammar student

Well. I am sitting on my chair. It is soft, maroon. A comfy office chair, bought by my Uncle in grade 9. I look around in my room, all brown. Everything is brown, Dark chocolate colour except for the Library and Carpet.. which happens to be caramel

My desk is littered with things from the skies above and soils beneath, wrappings from the new printer cartridges I (finally) got installed, wires coming from a hundred godforsaken sockets and pages flying all over the place. That’s right, I scatter more than I study

I see a small calender lying right in front of me, right next to a picture of me and my family, it has a big caption, right next to the Heading of September 2011, Bold letters saying SCREAM!!!! And explain my condition every time I look at the date 13 highlighted with blood-red. The date of the great Test… Or the date for the Gallows. Snap. Get out of my sight.

Let’s swing the chair around and see what’s behind, A medium bed. Hardly ever slept on. The mattress is excellent for people with bent spines, because I couldn’t look at my feet or bend down an inch since my last nap in here. Yup, I am usually and absolutely found snoring in the hall.

There is this huge ancient dressing table. Mum’s possessions. Oh God I hate it.. And all you could see up will be a moisturizer, some deodorant, some vaseline, a box full of all the tid bids my cousins ever gave me and of course, A giant bottle of some air freshener. Not to forget a hairbrush with stray hairs. If you look closely, you can spot the blue ball pen I lost yesterday. Darn it

I have two bins in my room. A tiny show piece and a huge real one hidden under my table. Both of them, have never been seen empty. You’ll find Cornetto and Lays wrappers along with the discarded study time tables and stick notes that won’t stick now..

Well. let’s get over with the balderdash. I have been both angry, content and laughing this week.. I mean.. what.. the most hilarious thing is to watch hypocrites and liars talk about virtues.. Your secrets and stuff? disembowelled, Your dignity? Stomped and humiliated.. Now we talk about virtue.. owww. My mouth is full with disgust and venom. People.. Be what you say. Be a man/woman/child of your words. I don’t believe in indirect approach. But you know.. a time comes when we just don’t care…

If you love someone.. love.. hate someone.. try not to but ok go on with the dislike… Left someone? Oh Baba just let go now! Nobody is dying for anybody.. People fall they get up fall again and eventually this may take time but they learn how to walk ahead and walk past. I don’t know how you can live knowing how much your actions affected someone. I mean if I talk about myself.. I never called anyone from my dead and wretched past.. Want to stick around.. I gave a chance.. Don’t make my life hell! Just.. leave.. me.. alone!

Whenever people fall.. like I did.. They say.. the same old thing. ‘I will create a new life, I will start over’ I said that too.. and I did that. I accomplished it all. Change is the only permanent thing in nature and as my potato friend said that no matter what.. we have to be ready to LET GO

It is not debatable. Life is different for every single one of us. Some of us are ahead some are behind in the long run. But you know what.. you have to make it! Walk through the roads less travelled by or elbow through the crowds! Chose what you want, see what you need. We never really get to make choices.. but dammit we have to live here!

And as for myself? I have all I need, with my God above and friends beneath. With my folks and my family… I don’t miss anything I once had, anything I once might have been. I cherish what I have become and guys …. have your own life. May Karma ******* you up

Pardon. Really. I don’t care

May Allah give us all the power to move on with faith.. Call Him any of the words you have chosen to.. But you know what my Lord.. You put me on right path… And help me through the storms till the end now.. Healed I may be, sensible I may have become.. I just don’t have that love to give anymore… Goodnight =) Meow