“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire”

How do you tell someone that you hate them? Look them straight in the eye and blurt out that you despise their very existence? How do you say, that their pettiness bores you, that their presence brings you no charm, nothing at all. That it is worse that being numb, worse than being paralyzed..worse than being in a coma itself.

You sleep on it, you pack your bags and go on a trip. You cut all modes of communication. Anything that would change how you feel. You meditate. You learn about spirit and you learn about life, you cleanse your body and soul and just as you return from that godforsaken journey..a blow smashes into your gut and makes you double. Nothing has changed. You feel exactly the same, those faces provoke the same exact feelings, those exact feelings of disgust, anger and loathing. Them you loved for so long have a such a distorted image now, you don’t see them anymore.  A despicable numbness spreads all over your body and you run out, gasping for air

 

What do you do, ey? What do you do now?

 

(Title: Quote by Kurt Tucholsky )

Better left unsaid, better left unfelt

up in the air

I spent an hour writing..everything. Pouring my anger into my laptop and editing it and constructing all those sentences and blah blah blah blah and a second before I was going to hit send.. I just stopped. Not today. Not now.

Have you ever felt so consumed with anger and hatred and total helplessness that your hands tremble and your eyes blur? The bad part is..that like before..it doesn’t pass ! It stays ! Boring deep into you and threatening to reach the core and blast you to pieces, or it stays like a burning ulcer which you know will remain for a long time

And the night comes and you sleep, and when you wake up in the morning..it’s still not gone. That taste of venom and acid is still in your mouth..

It’s a first for me. The other day my friend said that my anger lasted twenty minutes, that when I wake up, I forget the very name of the person I had a quarrel with. And it is true. But this morning when I woke up, it didn’t feel that way. I wanted to hurt and claw at someone. Just so the fire would go. But it stayed, the entire morning, the entire noon and part of the evening

And then I saw the face of the person I was angry at. And then I saw that face for good ten minutes in my head..and suddenly it all went away. The burn, the fire. It just isn’t worth it. Normally I give up at these things because I do not have the stamina nor the time to hold grudges or fight with people anymore. But this time I let a thing go because I had lost all the feelings of friendship I ever had, all the concern from my heart. Why do we feel hurt? Because we care. Indifference is the worse form of hatred for me. I’d rather fight all day with a friend than feel nothing at all. And how sad it is ! But we all have it coming to us. There is a limit to which a person can be pushed. Once, twice, thrice..so many times

And now as I read again the thing I was going to post earlier, I burst out laughing. Oh come on ! Grow up! Life’s too short to waste on people who don’t matter and things that don’t count ! We all know that yet we insist on indulging in all the crap in the world. *groan*

I have a research paper to write, a room to clean, a mother to call, a friend to bark on, a book to read, a party to attend and a big exam to prepare for.

Backstabbers don’t get a share in my life for today

And as for tomorrow..

Oye vey..

flying with happiness

What’s your Room No. ?

row of windows

Why is it that moving crowds make me feel so horribly crippled and so devastatingly stranded? Stay there for a minute or two and see them all moving on, while you are waiting for that one thing. Standing, invisible and unseen amongst everyone you know. Low self-esteem? Nah, sometimes it’s just a simple observation

So I do what I went there for, inside the small room as my name is called and mumble my room number. It’s the Allotment Day. We get new rooms as the final year of our college leaves and we have a crack at better rooms. I mumble the same number I did last year. A room full of sunshine, whenever sun comes . A room alight with the moon, whenever moon returns (la di da). A room so perfect in its imperfections that the very notion of changing it made me close my eyes and send out a little prayer, if you’re up there, Oh God, of all the things I have lost, don’t take this away from me.

As I came out, I glanced around, bade a friend or two farewell and climbed up those stairs again. I got what I wanted, then why does my heart sting so much? This happens every year this day. Friends fight, people turn away, girls jump each others throat, blah blah blah..there is so much hostility in the air that I barely recognize anything and anyone. And why do I feel sad at the fact that my ‘friend’ moved away. This happens every year ! Why does it have to sting every time? God ! I want to look myself in the mirror and scream.. GROW UP ALREADY

Haha, well, yea, feelings come and feelings go. Mine left a few seconds ago. We waste our life chasing the wrong people and while I say this I know I am still barking up the wrong tree. And it is also funny when I say that because I have never really chased anyone. One or two people maybe. I guess we have blown up images of ourselves in our head. Why ask people to change a part of themselves for a part of you? Why not see them as they are, not how they affect you? It takes a bigger man to accept that. And that bigger man I try and fail to be, every single day

I have hated clichés. And my hatred for them grows by the minute. I do not believe in all those morals and rituals our brain washed society preaches and has been doing to death..but it gets so hard sometimes, to separate yourself from it. I hate when hypocrisy stirs in me as I keep my mouth shut. Sometimes I wanna blurt it all out but by the time words get to my mouth..I realize…I just don’t care. Or cowardice gets the best of me. Or simple disgust does.

I don’t wanna become that person. I don’t wanna be a sociopath, I don’t wanna live with so much hostility inside that the insides turn black while the extremities go numb. I have been numb. It was horrible. Who wants to be trod upon and be hurt? No one. But I’d rather be hurt than be a corpse who sees nothing, feels nothing and leaves a stench everywhere.

La di da

la di da

“Okay, what does ‘okay mean?” “It means, okay, I hear you.”

colors-paint-splash-orange-blue-green-yellow-white-drop-black-background

I’ve had people as my friends. Few, but yes, there have been some. And I have always observed the exact same pattern with all of them, since I have been the same person and have attracted the exact same kind of people. Amazing people. Everyone was different. They were all strange and exotic in one way or the other. They all took a little something from me and left me with a little bit of them. Sometimes I don’t think I am this one person with my own thoughts or personality. It feels as if all those people made my persona and all those books fed my thoughts and imagination. Just when I think I am tired of the same thing over and over, something does actually happen.. I thought it only did so in movies and books. Lol

One thing has happened consistently all my life. I’ve never had anyone stand up for me or defend me. One might think it’s because I don’t do so either..but no..I’m a pretty aggressive and strongly opinionated person. Hell I have defended my enemies, in the literal sense of the word. But I don’t know how it feels to have someone defend you, back you up when someone isn’t your blood relative. When they have no real motive nor reason to do so, I have never known that feeling, except once. I had stopped longing for it..for as far as I can remember

And just, fifteen minutes earlier.. I had friend help me. Just for the sake of helping me. I had a friend..think of me as a person, not a frigid pile of flesh and bones.

Well. As much as I don’t want this event to go to my head, it still feels a little good. A little nice. Like holding a small chick in my hand. Have you ever held one? It’s soft and light and fragile…and so yellow

 

BABY-CHICKEN

(Title: Rainbow Rowell’s Attachments)

Reality Awaits

Luggage left

I have been gone for over a month. Does it matter to you where I was and what I did? To me it does (of course). And the very fact you did not acknowledge my absence makes it even the more important to me.

Where was I all these winters? I was at a countryside, eating guavas and oranges. Living one day at a time, no internet..partially incommunicado. Just those books in my hand and that Sun on my back. As now I pack my clothes into this giant bag, I stand a moment and close my eyes, watching those days we all gathered around the fire as the fog outside chilled the entire environment and blinded everyone. It was too cliched, too fine, it was the stuff that made up our memories and haunted us as the dark times came. But they aren’t here as yet, and let’s not talk about them. Tomorrow I will go back to world, back to reality and a lot of work. A part of me wants to go back, face it all and a part wants to go sit in the Sun that shone after two days and read more of Vonnegut, pretending nothing else exists..

I have a lot of stories to tell and a lot of laughter to share. But all I am gonna do is..finish my packing, have a quick shower and go outside to pick my last guava. For I know, what does my happiness mean to you? =)

Guava tree

Pick a card, any card

 

Pick a card

So it all comes down to this. Making a choice. Getting to a decision. Turning iron heart and let that hate enter your veins again. God, it hasn’t been so long since my blood was all clean..

Three years, I have had three years now. Blogging my life away. Writing stories, making up poems, disguising my feelings into sultry words, Sometimes being brutally honest, sometimes just angrily cryptic. Then slowly dissolving away in front of the very eyes of mine and those I got acquainted with. Friends… is a very loose term indeed

I don’t know what happened. The other day I was travelling on the bus and it just hit me in the face. What is happening? How could I let my world slip away and re-form me? How could it mould me the way it wanted? Where did I slip away? Did I fall behind, Did I walk fast or am I just lost in the crowd that I don’t see anyone else anymore? Where is that faith? Where is that trust? Where is all that hope and fantasy?

Sometimes it feels as if, maybe, I am looking myself truly for the first time. Bare and solitary. Without the assorted dreams and exceptions I ever had. Things haven’t died in me to the very extent, yes, but I don’t see that soul in me, that tender thing I cherished so much. It’s all anger and the practicality hardening me inside out. Truth be told.. I don’t even mind anymore

Three years. Met two great writers and people. EMK and APB…and a few others who just stopped blogging…

I just hope someday I vanish myself. But…seriously… apart from my cynical crap.. Life’s not bad. I hope I have the courage to stick around longer before I just..go. Anyways, till then

Cheerio !

 

May the man be dammed and grow fat, the one who wears two faces under one hat

Seriously speaking, I am not a resentful person. I might not forget things but if a person talks to me in a good way once after being foul a thousand times, I reciprocate with thrice the politeness. I have changed a lot but I haven’t become a really bad person, as yet. Foul mouthed bitter straightforward wacko…yes.. but not bad. I pray that doesn’t happen (btw)

But people will not fail to amaze me. And once again I bang my head on the wall. My instincts..are always correct. My first decisions and perceptions..are always true. Believe me.. I don’t like to flatter myself but the term always is heavily applicable.

But why do I go wrong time and again?

I give them a chance
….they blow it

Double faced chance

When the water runs dry

Running dry

I cannot believe what I feel right now, I cannot explain the…joy and that bitter happiness running down my neck into my..still heart. Yes. It’s still, not fluttering like it usually does in the moment of revelation or what-not. It felt like closing a book, you know you’ve read a great book when closing it felt like losing a friend. And vice versa. Haha

It’s like beginning a new life, like breathing in morning fog or biting into a thick wad of pizza, it’s like making a great bucket in basketball from such a long distance or finding your new favourite book. Lousy examples but that’s how I feel, right now, in my cold room, with things opening up to me one by one and everything making sense at last. We all have problems, we all are alone or unhappy or bleh bleh bleh, I just found the way out I had been searching for so long

Life isn’t ever gonna be easy, but I quite like the challenges now. The satisfaction of finding light can be greater than accepting the life in darkness

AYE !

walking towards light

 

 

I just didn’t wanna come back

Plane

It’s not everyday you get the break you just need. Whether you really deserve it,though, is subjective.

It’s like escaping into another world, far from your insecurities and troubles. Forgetting everyone and everything. People you love, people you hate. They are all there, somewhere in the blurriness of your memories but come walk a while early in the morning breathing clean air, wearing black socks and for a second even they don’t exist. It can be beautiful, ironic still though. Not to exist and then wipe out existence of all you know. It clears the head for a while. Makes you breathe as if you felt your lungs for the first time

Happiness is so overrated. Just like pain is so clichéd. It’s everywhere, it’s in everyone. As I got up from my seat and picked up my bag and started to walk down those stairs from the plane I felt my heart sinking into a pit that, though narrow, was still there. I didn’t wanna go back. I didn’t wanna exist again. I didn’t want so many to exist in my heart, mind and life again. I just didn’t wanna come back. There was peace in my heart and no pain in my mind. I have always been virtual. But it had always stung.

Peace is so overrated too by the way =_=

Anyways let’s go get some Hardees and chill, I am starving  =D

Hardees-logo

 

I am an Hsp (yeah, google it)

Hypocrite

I am sitting in front of my cooler in my tiny room, I have the same heart I’ve had, the same feelings, the same attitude. No matter how much I try to change, at the end of the day it’s all the same. Except the intensity has changed. Dislike, hate, go away. Love, test, a hundred chances, over.

Everything is damn fast, man. We don’t wait or absorb a single thing. The moment I start talking about something everyone comes up with their story and I shut up half way through. It’s not always the secrets and the feelings one shares. You start talking about a dream you had last night and before you get to the end people around you have told fifty thousand of their own, so I just shut up and be the person I am good at being. Listen and nod and make a few comments. Yeah I give good advice by the way.. I know friendship is not a game, it’s not a you say I listen I listen you say tv show. But it’s not a joke either..

It’s the same with picking at each other, say one thing and the other returns the favour by adding a jillion spices of their own. Not caring we are friends not foes.. oh I gotta say what I gotta say. 

It’s the same, like watching a friend treat you so low. Like one in the crowd. Hell I treat strangers better. But that sting you feel when the things your friend shares with you are not the special things anymore. It’s already on the media. God, When did I get so stupid..

But it’s okay. Life is crazy. I like my problems. I even like the people who created them. But there is one little thing I let afloat tonight.. If you can’t hold on to me.. if you can’t be there for me.. if you can’t take it all the way.. don’t call me your best friend..don’t even try to be my friend..and stay the heck away from me..

Just stay the heck away from me..

Hypocrisy